Sleepless in Philly

Some nights after the kids are in bed I am so exhausted that I fall asleep "reading" in bed still wearing clothes and without having brushed my teeth. I stumble through the night time nursing only to fall back into bed, not even bothering to change. Other nights, I can not go back to sleep. I will look over to my snoring husband and want to smack him. I envy his sleep. Some days I poke him, to make him turn on his side so he snores less. Ever notice how annoying the snoring is when all you want to do is sleep?

I want to go back to sleep because I know what type of day lies ahead of me. This is how my day goes: Wake to nurse one of the twins 3 times during the night & hope Cems isn't in bed with you in the morning, wake up and start the day. Get the kids dressed and fed, get yourself dressed (fed is optional), out the door for school or therapy, everyone strapped in to their carseats, realize you forgot to brush your hair Again! Come back start lunches & diaper changes, play time followed with flashcard mommy speech class (I "sit" with JD and we work on pronouncing our flashcards), diaper changing time, snack time, someone's crying, nap time, start thinking about dinner, wake them up for dinner, someone's crying, cook dinner or order dinner, is it bedtime? Someone's crying. Is hubby home? Fight with JD to stop snacking so he'll actually eat dinner, stop cooking dinner because someone is crying, When's he coming home? TV time while the tot eats (me eating is again optional), Feed the Bogos in their chairs or exercausers, Where the hell is hubby?  Someone is crying. Finish dinner, hubby is home- Thank you God! TV time and then bath time, bed time, Ssh don't make any noise. Then I pass out. It feels like a triathlon. So I need my sleep.

Bedtime is when there are no distractions, nothing to keep us living in the moment. This is the time when our emotions are gripped with fear of the unknown. I start to assemble a list of things to do, phone calls to make, a new therapy to research, did I switch the laundry to the dryer? Are the kids covered in their blankets. But I also worry about Autism striking our family again. If I let this fear take control it will permeate everything. The girls are 35 week preemies, we know there will be some delays. What will they be and what severity? Please let it just be that. Is JD done regressing? How come the girls don't speak more. Cems isn't crawling as much should I schedule an eval for her? What will we do if ASD strikes them?

I don't know why I worry because there's not much we can do about it. It is what it is, we get what we get, and may the Lord show us some mercy, please. Why am I still awake? Tomorrow when I wake up will my little boy still speak and hug and love like he did today or will Autism have stolen a little more of him? For a parent dealing with Autism, night time is the loneliest of times. It's at nights when my mind doesn't shut down because it is too busy silently screaming.



Moonlit Night from: http://www.parablog.com/wp/2005/04/14/moonlit-night/