Ah-Ha moment in Target

I screwed up last week and my kiddo struggled with a new activity. I forgot to preview and honestly thought he'd be okay! It didn't go well and we left after 45 minutes of avoidance and anxiety behaviors.  I pushed him too much.

This week we unwittingly arrived an hour ahead of time with the only expectation that he do his best and that he willingly enter the building and do his best.

We walked around, helped staff set up, previewed expected routine, and then left for the day. Reinforcer was a trip to Target for some silly putty and slime. We went to Target early on a Sunday morning and the store was mostly empty. Those of you in the autism world (parent, caregiver, therapist, teacher, etc) understand that today was progress and a success. The goal is to attend a full class by week 4. Today was week 2.

In Target, we had an amazing  5 minute conversation where he gave me a glimpse of what it's like to live his world. Those conversations and those glimpses are so precious and at times, like today, so heartbreaking as his mom.

Kiddo: Mom, it's really hard for me. Everything is really hard all the time and some times I just don't like being me. I hate autism sometimes. I don't understand all the stupid rules and some times I can't be good!

Me: That's okay to feel. There's nothing wrong with feeling like that. I don't like struggling with eating all the time and sometimes I hate my achalasia too. (I've got an esophageal autoimmune disease and the kids know.) Remember we do our best. If you make a mistake, you're not bad. You make a mistake, you say you're sorry, and do your best next time. I make mistakes too. What happens when I make a mistake with you guys? (He thinks about it but stays calm).  I always say I'm sorry after I calm down. I promise to do better next time. I ask for help when I need it. Remember how I ask you guys to remind me that I need a time out? (we're working on identifying emotions and self regulation needs for everyone). Then we hug it out, right?  He grins and says it's his favorite part.

He gave me a hug and we went on to the video game aisle where I watched him play Mario.
I don't know if I answered his question or problem right. I hate I can't fix it. I'm so proud that he was able to articulate what he was feeling and his frustrations. He hasn't always been able to verbalize emotions and needs. There's been times when I haven't understood and he hasn't been able to communicate. Countless times we have had to leave somewhere with him in a meltdown or shut down mode. I love that he allowed me the opportunity to glimpse into this moment in his world.

I know it's hard for him. I don't want him to hate his autism. But I recognize that anyone with a disability has days where they're just tired of that disability and that they do feel like they hate it.  I have those days when I hate work! I have days when I hate my own disability. I understand. I also don't want it to affect his self esteem. So I promised myself to do my best as I navigate parenting.

Next week I told him we're going to stay for class. His reply? "Ok but can we go to the arts and crafts store next week?" I wonder what conversation we'll have next week between the bargain bins and clearance?