Parenting

The hardest part of parenting is not knowing if you're doing it right. Or how badly you're screwing it up.  If only I could look into the future and see how it would all turn out. The unknown is scary as a parent. My daily prayer is "Please God don't let me F- this up too much."

It hurts to see your kiddo struggle. It hurts to see him unable to control his body and bring it back under control. Nothing has hurt me worse than when my little 5 year old boy described how much he felt his body was "broken" because he couldn't stop himself from making bad choices (misbehave) or his impulsive behaviors.

I don't want to romanticize my emotions but really it floored me and it hurt so much because its partly my fault. Yes, its my fault that at times I suck at being a mom. Times when I can't control my own impulsive behavior and when I should remove myself for a time out-- those times when I'm so frustrated that I end up screaming and throwing my own temper tantrum.

We ended up discussing "No David!" by David Shannon. He loves that book and really it's a great way to discuss how we're really just loving them even when it seems that all we do is yell at them. We cuddled and group hugged and he went on his day. But it has remained on my mind. A day latter and I'm still shook up about how he's feeling about himself. I wonder should I take him to the psychologist to discuss or if I should work on ways to build his self esteem. So many ways to doubt yourself as a parent and the worry can drive you nuts.

This parenting shit ain't for the light hearted or those who only think they want to be parents. And I'd like to think that those of us who second guess or who worry are the ones who are striving to be better parents and better people. But maybe that's just how I fool myself into thinking that I'm doing okay.

Mundane life and normal is relative.

My facebook feed is full of back to school pictures. I'm torn between complaining about this stinking humidity, mourning the end of summer, or worrying about the school year. August is over, our stress free month: free of therapies, free of the endless paper trail left behind 2 main diagnoses. The kids had lots of sleep overs, lots of playgrounds, lunch with the grandmoms, pool time in the backyard, walks, endless free play. August was so much fun. It was almost like having a "normal summer".

And now, we're back to the anticlimactic mundane routine. I'm trying to iron out their Fall schedule. Soccer, swimming, dance, and therapies all must be fit in. Thursday nights I need to be at swim and at dance, I'll have to clone myself and that's all there is to it.  Some other activities that the 5 year asked for are a lego club, baseball, and golf. Golf? Seriously kid? You cheat at mini golf but you wanna try golf?

Oh and the therapies. Sigh. Will there ever come a time when we are therapy free? I am very cognizant of how trivial and mundane these worries may seem. The progress we've had-- Wait for it, Extraordinary. (Please read that as if Neil Patrick Harris said it in his Barney from "How I Met Your Mother" voice. But still to some, my worries are trivial. Troubles after all are trivial. And normal is relative. I am glad of the mundane. Each day that I am their mother, I am blessed and I fall a little more in love with these kids. I am amazed by them. Yes, I am raising them, but I am learning more from them than they learn from me.

But still, getting back to my mundane subject: I want to figure out this Fall schedule. I'm glad for the mundane. Gladly accepting my mundane life of being a mommy of 3 with all the specials and diagnoses. These 3 are my miracles and although our wonderful summer is over, I'm taking a deep breath and leaping into Fall. here we go again. Let's hope this is a good school year!