OT for A today. After OT I felt like a failure of a mom. I know the OT didn't mean to, but after that session I was depressed and just in a horrid place. Took the kids up for circle time/reading time and then naptime. Thankfully everyone went to sleep so I had some downtime. It was bliss. I didn't make any calls or read any notes or even check Facebook. I just didn't have it in me to read anything more Autismy or Special Needs. Gasp! Sorry Facebook ASD friends. I didn't want to read about my mom club's happenings. Double Gasp! I was really down. Clearly! Any day I
don't want to chat with my mom's club
you know it's not a happy day!
Then naptime is over. That quickly? I may have whimpered in protest, I won't lie. It'll be ok 2 hours until my hubby gets home, it'll be ok. Well the girls cried on and off again for the majority of those 2 hours, got me why. JD was manic hyper for those same 2 hours. At one point all 3 were back in their rooms crying it out while I paid the pizza delivery guy. Hey, no judgement! While I'm setting the table for our takeout meal, the girls are alternating between crying, whining, and clinging to me- this was how the conversation went;
JD: I want to watch a MOVIE NOW!
Me: You yell at me one more time kiddo and you'll spend the next 2 hours in your room with no tv, no toys, no mommy.
JD: No! Movie. (jumping, running, bouncing, giggling manically)
Me: Can you please be quiet? It's quiet time.
JD: SShhhh! SSH! QUIET! (finger over mouth)
Me: JD, please baby, 2 seconds of closed mouth and quiet. please?
JD: (in an exaggerated loud whisper) Sssh, mommy's gonna lose it, quiet sissies! (giggle) Sssh be QUIET! (giggling)
I looked over and he's shushing his sisters, as he's running around the 1st floor with a toy shopping cart running over his poor sisters who are crying because he's 1) stolen their cart 2) run them over with said cart. His eyes are laughing and he's got a big wide grin on his face as he exaggerates to be quiet.
This is the boy who a year ago wouldn't speak. What he did speak wasn't readily understood. Now I can't shut him up. And then my inner voice said, be thankful for what you have. Be thankful. It could be worse. Slow down and appreciate it. So I did. I gave up trying to finish the laundry, trying to clean the clutter. I don't even know what I was doing that was so important. I sat down and started laughing. Then I ended up crying on the sofa. Damned OT. I was having a good day until she came and gave me her feedback on some of Apple's eating "issues". My boy and girls came over and hugged me and that was the extent of my crying fit.
Like my husband said earlier tonight, it could be worse. I am thankful for how good we have it. 2 of my kids struggle with what most parents take for granted. My 21 month old baby said "Cat" very clearly yesterday. Today she said something that sounded like "There you are" and I celebrate the speech progress. She gained a pound and I celebrate that progress. My son is using proper pronouns for the first time ever, he sat for a complete 30 minutes of therapy session-- sat. Unheard of. I celebrate that!
But dammit, I hate that we have to celebrate these milestones, I wish we didn't need the damn therapies and evals and what have yous. I wish they were perfectly dare I say it, normal. I wish we weren't "special needs". Again, my husband is a freaking wise man-- it could be worse. Indeed, it could. My daddy, another wise man perhaps said it best, "he's [JD] is doing well. You're doing ok." And perhaps the best validation and the one I need to hear the most, "I love you lots mommy, I'm sorry I hit you. Don't be sad. Everything is going to be okay."-- JD. Love that boy so much.
