Sad

I keep counting months. I keep thinking September/October and I keep thinking about what could have beens. I try not to think about it or even talk about it. Every time I think miscarriage, I want to break something, hurt something, because I feel like falling on my knees and wailing. I know my f-ed up body didn't cause anything right? At least that's what both my doctors say. But then what did cause it? I am very much going through this alone. All the sadness and other emotions tied into this pregnancy loss and I feel like I have no one to turn to cry, so I don't. It's not about having friends or support to turn to. It's just such a deeply personal pain and its hard to express and share. Anyways, this weekend I'm kind of sad. Again. Plus I weaned the girls about 3 weeks ago and my hormones are out there. I'm trying to keep from getting depressed because I don't want to go back on meds. I also am sick as a dog with strep throat and some sort of upper respiratory. Not feeling so hot. It's hard to be sick with 3 sick kids. I think I'm just tired. I'm hoping this funk passes. No rest for the weary or sad.