One year later, life is good

My toddler turned 4 over the weekend. He's gotten really tall and lanky. We had a fun weekend; birthday parties and Sesame Place, good times. On Sunday night I burst into tears-- well sobs really. I don't even know why because we're having a good spell right now. JD's behavior is a lot better, the girls are easier to manage, I've got a good handle on the kids needs, hubby and I are best friends once more, the house is less cluttered, my life is less cluttered, things are good. But this knock you on your knees grief kind of embarrassed and surprised me.

I calmed down and thought about what was upsetting me. Sure I seem to have lost a friend after 20 years of friendship, my best friend fired me. I'm a little unclear as to what I did but regardless, I officially have 1 less friend and 1 more acquaintance. I've picked myself up and moved on, one thing I know is that you can't keep people who don't want to stay in your life. I know that friendship is changed regardless. I put my faith and trust in someone who never considered me a trustworthy friend-- those lessons can't be unlearned. Sucks. But no, that's not what made me cry. I thought some more, I think its from happiness! Yes happiness made me cry like a nut! Let me explain.

I'm relieved that the kids are doing so well, emotionally it's been a really tough year for us. I think my husband and I are walking around with anxiety and post traumatic stress. While things aren't perfect, at least we're in a much better place, we recognize our weaknesses. Having your child diagnosed with autism can be traumatic. Having one of the twins developmentally delayed is very stressful. Sure the diagnosis doesn't change your child or your love for them-- but suddenly you have therapies and evaluations. Your house has a revolving door, clean & organized house- who the hell has time for that? You exist from one eval to another, from one therapy to another in a desperate fight to gain some progress, to regain speech, to "achieve" normal. But nothing is normal, nothing is the same, your life and expectations have changed forever. Even your relationship with your husband isn't the same. Suddenly you find yourself less patient, not talking as much, its hard to be a couple when you feel you need to put everything you have into your children's progress and well being. To the point of excluding your hubby.

I'm not especially happy or proud to say that, but that's what I instinctively did. It got so bad that we talked about divorce, separation. But that wasn't what was best for our children or for us. I don't want to go to work full time and risk losing all the progress the kids have accomplished just because I can't seem to get along with my husband. Hell would freeze over before I ever took alimony, I have too much pride and frankly a damn good degree to ever let a man provide for me. So I went searching for a cure all. I didn't have the energy for a divorce and I doubt that would make me any happier or any less stressed. I talked to my former best friend, to some other close friends, to my priest, to my online mommies group, and no one could help or make it better. No one could help me come up with a resolution. The fact that it got that bad, that things were so stressful at home, I mean we didn't talk, for weeks! All summer we tried to be parents, to be a family, but we weren't really a couple. But that didn't work.

I remembered something my mother in law told me when my hubby and I were planning our wedding. She told me that during stressful times we had to hold on to each other, to our love, and it would get us through. So I decided to forgive, forget, and strive for more patience, to strive to love my husband. And then I realized I needed to be a couple again, to be friends, to be what couples in love are-- they talk!  I needed to learn how to let go. We're at a good point-- all 5 of us. It's been an emotional year and I'm thankful we've learned from it. Life is good. Oh and I told off the people that needed to be told off, including my limpid father in law. I am making a point to exclude negative people, those who walk around with a rain cloud over their heads, out of my life, they only bring complications into your life. Life is better right now.

Chicken soup for goals

My goal for JD is to have him start mainstream kindergarten, with an aide to help with his behavior and with transitions. We have 2 years to try and make that goal a reality and I don't know if it'll happen. I used to worry that I'd be upset if it was never achieved. Over the weekend, I came to the realization that I would be fine. What lead to this epiphany?

We've all been sick this weekend, the girls have had a stomach bug, JD & I have had a cold, hubby seems to have a stronger immune system than us guppies so he's not feeling as bad. JD has been whining at night, his throat hurts, he's congested, he coughs-- he's a almost 4 year old and he is never at his best when he's half asleep, he becomes almost non verbal and his awareness is minimal. I was so frustrated at one point trying to figure out why he was crying, all I wanted to do was take away his pain, and he was just curled into himself on his bed crying refusing or unable to answer. Turned out his tummy was cramping and an upset stomach that was the culprit. Boy was that fun--explaining what vomit is and trying to calm an almost hysterical boy while he's half asleep. It made me realize how much worse autism can be when you have someone who isn't verbal and who can't communicate.

Please don't read this as pity or condescension-- it isn't at all. More so, it's the exact opposite. I am in awe of all Autism parents who can't communicate with their kids verbally, who have kids who won't respond when spoken too. I was so frustrated and worried trying to figure out the source of his pain. I felt so useless and panicked. It made me realize that what we deal with, it's not so bad in comparison. Sure I have my hands full, but JD is a really good kid most of the time, he just needs redirection often, and he's progressing so nicely as he grows. I am so thankful that JD has come such a long way in his vocabulary, he's already come such a long way from our pre diagnosis days that how can I not be thankful? So if we don't meet my personal goal of mainstreaming by kindergarten (and let's be honest that is my goal not JD's, he could care less, he doesn't even understand what that is), I'll be fine because many other kids with autism have it much worse, have been working towards progression for much longer than us. So I need to be thankful for what we've been given, for what is, and stop worrying about the maybes. And how apt that I even have a lovely bouquet of roses to smell!

On Saturday, JD & I went to Shoprite to get chicken soup ingredients and while there they were having a dog event outside in the parking lot. I wish I'd had my camera with me. I know I'll forever have this image in my mind-- JD flapping his hands and twirling in excitement as he was licked by a 3 year old beagle. "Mommy, doggy, doggy!" Smiling his million watts smile that will forever melt my heart. I love this kid so much, sometimes I wonder how my heart doesn't burst from the emotion.  I called hubby from the produce section so excited for my tots happiness of the moment.