No thanks, all done.

We rushed across the city to Bala Cynwd yesterday for yet another psych eval for wrap around services. You'd think all of these psychologists would get together and coordinate with the other agencies so we moms didn't have to take our kids to so many evals. Can't we have a 1 stop shop type of place that coordinates the PCA, BCS, TSS, and whatever else I may have forgotten- like a Wal-mart for intervention services? I fill out the same stupid questions on each of these forms, every time someone asks about my pregnancy and birth story- it's like another cut in an open wound. I already blame myself, I don't need these constant reminders. I rush there and make it there in close to 30 minutes. I reach for my purse and realize, I rushed out without my wallet. Thankfully I had my insurance card in my back pocket. But I had no id, no cell phone, no money.
We sit in a rather dirty dingy waiting room with toys that make me want to reach for my hand sanitizer. I resist the urge to take out the Lysol wipes and just try and keep JD from tearing up the room. My foot is throbbing again and JD is having fun exploring. We waited about 30 minutes and are taken in to the "consult" room or whatever they call it. It's the room where the psychologist will evaluate Josh. It lasted about 30 minutes and I answered the same questions that I answered on the questionnaire the night before. WTH?  Meanwhile I'm trying to keep JD from hurting himself, the psychologist, and anything in his path. Makes no sense to me- you know we have an ASD child, obviously this little round table room discussion is not going to work for us.

And why do you want to know if it was a normal pregnancy? Or if there's history of depression or anxiety in the family- and do you mean diagnosed or the diagnosis hubby and I make just by observation? What do you mean you want a copy of his diagnosis. As a psychiatrist shouldn't you suspect the ASD diagnosis based on your observations. Have you noticed my kid has yet to greet you. In fact told you to "Go Away." and then proceeded to run around the table stimming? Yelling or talking loudly, repeating your questions over and over again-- he is NOT deaf. He had a hearing test. Do you want a copy of that? \

Yes, I think we need wrap around services. I want anything that might penetrate the ASD monster. Yes, I might have noticed he's verbal. He's only my son. He's in this room with us, can't you feel him patting your back? JD is bored and I am resentful of another eval that makes me feel like sh#t and a failure of a mom. Thank you for pointing out all of my son's quirks, delays, and "issues." I am in fact aware of them. Here, I'll list them for you and spare you the effort to communicate them again. At the end of what I call my ASD verbal diarrhea please don't blink or give me a pitying condescending look. Here goes, read at a fast clip with brief pauses for breath, it's easier said this way-

My son speaks at a 2 year old level, receptive skills seem to be at his age, his has motor issues so he can't jump, has trouble on steps, can't tell when his mouth is too full, has a hard time eating on his own, isn't potty trained, bites, kicks, hits, screams, doesn't know how to greet or play with kids his own age, doesn't like groups of people talking or singing, actually no one can sing, he's an explorer so all outlets must have covers, all windows and doors must be locked, safety gates on all steps, windows on the 2nd floor must have a security screen in case he decides to bang and press on the window. His drawers must be childproofed (that hasn't gone so well), all breakables and low hanging shelves in his room are removed. The bedroom lamp has been removed after a minor burn and throwing incident, his closet needs to be locked. No wipes can be left in his room- or it will be strewn all over. Some books might not survive. He must be locked in his room or otherwise I shudder as to all the dangers he could cause while we slept. He has sensory problems- hot isn't always hot, cold isn;t always cold, no stickiness must ever touch him, if it's spicy he will love it. If it's beef- he will gag. Something must always be chewed or be in his mouth. A hot wheel must always accompany us in the car. Sometimes 2 or 10. The collection must accompany him to all places all day and must be taken to bed that night. Otherwise you will find yourself looking for a "Tata car" or "Baby car" or whatever he calls it late at night throughout the house, until it's found.
He's hyperactive. He regressed at 2-2.5 yrs old. Yes he freakin regressed. I'm the mom, I would know. He used to speak more, he used to speak in Spanish and English. Now we're lucky he speaks a string of 3 words in any language.

I know all these things. My heart bleeds for knowing all of this, because to us, this is every day life in JDland.
And now so do you. Pardon me if I don't thank you for making me rehash something painful. To me, and I imagine to most ASD parents, evals are painful. They force us to see that what for us is normal and common place is actually not the norm. That normally a 3 year old does not bolt onto the street or gag on his meals, or require being fed. I Freaking KNOW. Thanks for reminding me of this for the last 30 minutes though. Especially in your clinically detached yet fake  sympathy. We don't need sympathy here. As JD would say in his sing song way- No thanks, all done!

I have a son and twin girls to raise. Didn't you know? My son will go to kindergarten with his TSS and mainstreamed because I'm going to make that my mission impossible so JD and I can say mission completion and clap, clap, clap!

BTW- we got a recommendation for a TSS in school and home for 2.5 hrs each weekday along with a BCS to manage his plan. Huge help. WIN. Hope JD likes his new friend.