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| this picture borrowed from: |
Are you a loser deadbeat relative? If you're wondering, you probably are. You know the ones I mean- the ones who you see peripherally a couple of times a year for brief visits or at funerals. The ones my kid refers to as that man, or that girl. Funny how it didn't bother me when we were kidless. But once my kids came- it started to annoy me. Then it began to infuriate me. At some get together- his apathetic grandfather saw one of JD's friends and mistook him for JD. Yup, didn't even know his own grandson. That right there, shows you what type of man we are dealing with. And if you're reading this and wonder if I am referring to you, then I probably am. And if you're still not certain, come right out and ask me, I'll be more than glad to set you straight. Because since I've had kids, I realize both sides of my kids family have absentee self involved and immature relatives.
Back to the who's-that-man-grandfather, the winner of loser relatives in our family: I guess I shouldn't be surprised as he was an absentee father at best. In fact, his total absence in his son's life might have- no Would have been a blessing. At least from what I have heard and from my viewpoint as a Mother and as the wife to that little boy who lived through it all. No way would I want this caliber of a man supervising my kids. Which brings me to this blog post. It is because I am now a mother, the person responsible for raising 3 children, that ironically makes me less forgiving, less relaxed about his sporadic presence in their lives. My husband will probably tell me this is a waste of my energy, that I shouldn't write it down, much less publish. See he's had a lifetime of dealing with his father so he is neither disappointed, saddened or angered- he's reached acceptance. I am more aggressive than that. In fact, writing this blog without mentioning names is my attempt towards passive aggressiveness. Certainly my feelings have been very vocal and my actions have definitely reflected my feelings in person. I am not a forgiving person, I will remember the slight and write you off of my life. I don't deal with negative self involved people- especially if they are relatives.
My hubby and I have been married for 8 years and since then we've each dealt with our own families whenever a problem or issue arose. By that I mean, he handled his side and I mine. In fact when the phone rings- thanks to caller id- we just hand over the phone. It's not personal, it's how we manage in-laws. It's worked. But sometimes, ok since the kids, that agreement hasn't worked for me- for 2 reasons. My husband isn't confrontational, instead he'll try to pacify both sides even if he's miserable. Then unknowingly I get to deal with the brunt of it, because I live with him. I don't blame him for taking it out on me. I mean Who the hell wants to be the volleyball?
The second reason- it affects my kids. And I draw the line when it impacts my kids. Especially since JD's ASD diagnosis. He's a sweet loving boy and having ASD makes him vulnerable. He's very sensitive. My job as a mother is to protect him, that means I have no time to be polite or to stick to the unspoken agreement my hubby and I made when we got married. And now with the BOGOs- I don't want them to have someone in and out of their lives. The girls have seen this man 2-3 times tops since their birth and he lives less than 5 miles away. My son- the 3 year old, has seen him maybe 5-6 times. We can count how many times my kids have seen this man. And he's supposedly their grandfather! Am I angry? No- I am FURIOUS that he's such a deadbeat, so self involved, that he probably feels he's the injured party. And meanwhile my kids are deprived of a grandfather. How sad- the epitome of loser relative.
Here's my stance on loser relatives who SHOULD have a greater involvement in their grandkids, nieces, and nephews, insert the relationship of choice here, this post applies to all loser relatives- you're either an involved relative, a part of our lives, who doesn't confuse a friend's kid for their own grandkid, who knows the preferences and dislikes of the kid, who has bothered to spend more than 2 hours a couple of times a year with the kids to really become a familiar face, or you're out of our lives. I will write you out of our lives. You will not invite yourself to events, or promise to show and then don't ever come, only to mail a "feel better about myself" check, gift, or card in the mail. YOU are either IN, or I will move heaven and earth, get in your freakin face and make sure you are OUT and know that you are NOT welcome or missed. My children will not have infrequent visits, regardless of living out of state, my children will not be alone in a empty apartment at night wondering where their MFin loser relative is. Because I am the Mom- therefore the gatekeeper. I will shelter and protect while I can.
Guess What Loser Relative- yes, I do mean you- It is not my job or my husband's job to make it freakin easier for you to visit. WTH? Grow up and get a set will you? Damn right I'm mad, you have no idea how much patience it is taking to not drive over or pick up the phone and tell you off. But that is too much effort to use on a loser relative who isn't Family. My kids have a family- one great grandpop, two grandmoms, one grandfather, some great aunts & uncles, some aunts & uncles, some great cousin & counsins we may not all be related by blood, but we are a Family in all the ways that count. My kids have family that hasn't met them because of immigration issues, but they're still involved! Because they have chosen selflessly to be involved.
In closing, dear loser relative, either change your ways, grow up and become involved, hell pick up the damn phone once a month, or you will simply be out of my kids lives. But don't ever think that you'll find forgiveness or for me to forget the caliber of a person you have shown me to be. And don't blindly tell yourself that you're the injured party- poor lonely loser relative who has been wronged. Maybe at the bar and with friends that may fly, but not here in Twingleland. And if you're uncomfortable being an adult and making an effort to visit this foreign hostile land- well it's not my fault you're a loser.
Sincerely,
One Pissed off Mom
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