The BOGOs will be 1

My twins will be turning 1 this week.  I'm very emotional. Mostly just relieved that we've made it out of newborn infancy in one piece. Because wow has this past year been incredibly draining. But I am also sad because they are my last babies. I will miss the newborn cry, the 1st smile, the 1st everything, but especially just that butterfly feeling of a baby move inside you- there are no words. Blissful Wonder & Utter Joy- the closest I can come to describing it. Do I have baby fever? No! Are you crazy? It's more that I want to have the possibility of future babies. Does that make any sense to the moms out there? I know the dads won't get it.

My hubby does not want any more babies. He only wanted 2. So my #2 +1, the BOGOs are it. He was fine with 1, but when both our sisters showed no possibilities for having their own kids, and thus no built in family for our supposed singleton, he conceded that 2 would be ok. That way they'd have each other when we are long gone. Then surprise- BOGOs. I was pleased, he was worried. Hubby is an anxiety stress filled person- he's a worrier. For him, there is no negotiating on more babies. He's probably planning his vasectication right now as I write this.

Both my pregnancies were high risk. With JD, I had high blood pressure, pre-eclampsia, and in the hospital I developed HELLP. So JD was born just shy of 37 weeks and had severe jaundice. We spent a week in the hospital. My twins pregnancy- just the fact that they were twins alone made it high risk. Toss in my experience with JD & health factors- wow they watched me like a hawk. I spent in total 3 weeks on some form of bed rest. In the delivery, I really thought I was going to die because I was hemorrhaging so bad and I only made it to 35 weeks with the girls so I was worried they'd need the NICU. We got lucky with my Achalasia- I was able to eat well throughout the BOGO pregnancy. But that's exactly how we feel- we got lucky. And I am not willing to chance a 3rd pregnancy. What if our luck runs out and 1) Achalasia is worse and I can't eat properly, 2) What if I develop pre-e earlier and something happens? 3) If something happens, where does that leave my 3 babies? So for me, that's why no more babies in Twingle land. Besides, if we had more, it would no longer be twins and a single land would it? I'd have to rename my blog and Facebook page!

Maybe no more babies is ok- this past year has been difficult. Being a stay at home mom to baby twins and a 2 yr old boy is hard enough. All the therapies and evals of this past year, the emotional processing of this past year- I am at my limit. I really think I would be overwhelmed and insane with another baby right now. Plus I don't think I'm a great mom. I really don't. Surely a great mom would have more patience, more ability to multi task, would just be better at this than I am? Only great moms could handle more than 3 kids. And in order to be a great mom to my 3, I don't think I could have more babies right now. We'll be celebrating with cake this weekend- the guests will be celebrating their 1st birthday, but me- I'll be secretly celebrating surviving the 1st year living in Twingleland! But I'll probably cry a little that night as I write the girls their birthday letters.