I am not one of those moms who will ever think that autism is a blessing. Some people say that God doesn't give us more than we can handle or He works in miraculous/mysterious ways. My mom tells me that JD is special and that Angels look after him more than others because of his abilities and that's why to us humans it looks like Autism-- implying he has some super power or super empathy. She drives me freakin nuts but I love her. I wish people would stop shoving her religious beliefs and opinions on me as if they were facts. I hate when people push their own opinions and expect us to agree with them. Opinions are not facts and opinions do not need to be accepted as a truism. People can agree to disagree. On this I disagree. Autism is not a freakin blessing! And unless you have a child with Autism, unless you live in our house and experience day in day out of raising my son, then you don't have a say on how I should view things, on how I should feel, on how I should raise my son. Don't even think to push your perception and generalizations on ME or my children. Don't presume to tell me that my parenting decisions are wrong or misguided merely because I do not have Autism.
Do not tell me what type of relationship I should have with God. That is between Him and me. My God is not vengeful, he does not make my children sick or challenged. I believe illnesses and disorders, disabilities, are just freakin rotten luck. I don't have an answer as to why his Munificence doesn't cure and fix everything. And maybe I'm okay with never getting an answer to that. Faith after all is a belief that requires no proof or substance. It simply is or isn't.
In case you're wondering I am Catholic by childhood, but I've formed eclectic religious beliefs as I've read numerous religious texts and attended various churches or religious houses. I wouldn't ever try to explain those beliefs because it's mine and significant only to me. Religious beliefs are personal and therefore I don't push them onto anyone. I don't feel the need to broadcast my faith either. It simply is. My Catholic priest and I have lively debates. But I am firm that God did not cause or choose for my son to have Autism, just as I believe that choosing to have IVF treatments didn't necessarily cause any of my kids delays as God's punishment for choosing to become a mother. I don't believe He is testing me or any of that other crap. Somethings simply happen and we must choose to move on and live our lives and be the best person we can be. Like the army.
I thank God everyday that JD and Apple are doing so well with their therapies, that they're showing tremendous progress. I thank Him everyday and to my last dying breath for providing me the miracle of being a mother. I thank Him that my Achalasia isn't worse, that's its manageable. Life isn't easy. My day to day is eventful and more than a handful. Life is not where I thought it would be at almost 35 that's for sure. Maybe without all this turmoil the blessings would be easier to take for granted and discount. I thank God for every day whether its sunny or rainy. And I pray each day that my kids grow up to be happy, faithful, and able to live a "normal" life. By normal, I don't mean cured from whatever illnesses, disorders, disabilities-- I just want them to be able to live alone, to have a happy life, to have friends and have a job. I don't expect Autism to be cured, I'm not sure if it ever can. I'm not sure how that would happen since I believe it's really a neurological condition. Just the brain wired differently than mine. I'm just thankful that we've discovered the food allergies and have perhaps made JD's days just a bit easier with his current therapy plan. And I'm thankful my 35 weekers came home with me the next day.
But I also wish there was slightly less turmoil, less conflicting emotions that leave me emotionally exhausted. I wish life's experiences didn't affect us nearly so much that some days I don't recognize the person I was a decade ago before Achalasia, marriage, kids. I wish marriage was just a bit easier to navigate. Frankly God, I want to win the lottery and be able to eat a steak or ground beef without regurgitating it. And while we're at it, can we renegotiate Autism or at least make it easier for my kid as he lives his life amidst a difficult world? Oh and can we make it so our finances are easier, my marriage slightly less of a tempest? I'd appreciate it. I'd just like to Breathe! Thanks for reading.
LOVE your candidness!
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