Depression is that which should not be spoken

What hurts the most about ASD- it took away a part of my son. Looking at his baby pictures and his baby calendar hurts. Getting up everyday hurts. Because I know he wasn't born this way. He met all his developmental milestones. Something happened at some point between 2-3. And now my boy doesn't smile in pictures, hates the camera, now he barely speaks Spanish-now he has Autism. And it hurts to know something took away a piece of him and made his life just a little more complicated.  If I keep looking back on the past, I'm sure it will suck me into darkness. I look at my kids, at them smiling, learning, growing- and I can kick depression's ass! I am lucky to have it so good. Yeah, I'm a half full type of person.

Let's recap- I get a weird esophageal disease that is so rare that most GI doctors didn't understand it. I was diagnosed my second year of marriage. The first year was spent in and out of emergency rooms and GI specialists. Oh and lots of pain. Severe pain. Fun times for the newlyweds. Then when we try and have a baby nothing happens. So we have to go through fertility treatments. Now ASD. Sure, all depressing and sad things. But are they tragedies? Only if I let them.

Here are the many benefits to these things-
Achalasia forced me to get louder. Yup, louder. I've learned to become my own advocate! And I have no problem voicing my opinion, even if I'm not an expert. Oh I research- but I don't take any one's word as enough. No- now I validate their decisions by thorough research- of my own.

Infertility was hard. Going through IVF- was brutal. But how lucky are we that we only had to do 1 cycle for each pregnancy? There are scores of other couples that undergo fertility treatments for years- cycle after cycle. For JD- 2 IUI's, 1 IVF. For the BOGOs- 1 IVF. How amazing is that?

ASD- Is teaching me patience, teaching me that expectations sometimes don't come true. We can't look back to how we expected it to be and live in the past. It is what it is. And as bad as some days get, at least we're all together and we'll all survive. So yeah- I'm a glass full type of person. Depression is an evil word not allowed in my house. And should the need arise- I will be the 1st to run to the doctor to ask for a happy pill. So far- no need. I once read a childhood book that said "To despair is to turn your back on God." And that my friends is why I will never let depression get me. Because if I turn my back, then I am truly lost. Without hope what would be left?