It's been a rough year in so many ways. I've been going out of my mind with worry, heartbreak, tears, laughter, and what has gotten me through it is HOPE. For the Some days to come back, because they're missing. Somehow while I was busy going through this process, our going on 8 year marriage has been rocked. I'm not airing dirty laundry- just a truism. Yes indeed this past year has been a test. And honestly I can see why the divorce rate is so high. ASD divides and conquers.
I am a mom first and my husband knows this. Hubby just has to be man enough to deal with it -and he has. He's a wonderful man, he's a wonderful father, and I love him because he agrees that the kids come first, no matter what. But Good Lord he drives me crazy! He handles things differently than me and I'm not very understanding. And to tell you a secret- I have panic attacks. I've had them off and on since I was diagnosed with Achalasia. It is an unpleasant experience because your body is out of control. And stress makes me get esophageal spasms- related to Achalasia. And man are they awful. Since I'm breastfeeding alot of the meds I take to treat the spasms and anxiety attacks are off limits. So I'm trying to muddle through as best as possible because they've become increasing a regular thing. I don't sleep well and all this comes down to me not being in the best frame of mind to be patient with anyone other than my kids. And hubby is convenient to vent on- because I trust him implicitly. And I know he loves me- so ofcourse that's the perfect person to vent emotions on right? Yeah I know, very twisted. My ASD mom's club is awesome. We talk it out and it's been great to become friends with them. It brings more balance into my life and is helping me to redirect the venting into more useful outlets. It helps to talk to some experienced gone through the trenches ASD moms.
In my zeal for confronting torticollis, ASD and developmental delays heads on- I have forgotten that my hubby too is dealing with the emotions and that he might be handling them differently than me. No one plans for the illnesses or disorders. No one plans for these things to hurt your children. There is no way to plan for them. And as us ladies know, men and women are different. Aside from the obvious anatomical differences- men also handle emotions different than women. Men want to fix. Well some things you can't fix. Somethings you just have to deal with as best as possible and keep on moving.
 |
| Borrowed from https://www.facebook.com/#!/photo.php?fbid=411289492219237&set=a.399523230062530.109241.296145297066991&type=1&theater |
My everyday, 24/7 schedule of being a special needs mom is heartbreaking and I feel very much alone. Isolation- the other stage of grief. I'm not alone in feeling this. I've talked to other special needs moms- my new friends and support system. They feel the same way. We drive our vans from school to therapies. We open our house doors wide for the many therapists that will come and go. Each minuscule improvement is embraced and celebrated. And then we see a neurotypical toddler or on schedule milestone baby- and we cry in our hearts, where no one can see. Ok sometimes you can see the tears in our eyes- it's not selfish crying. We're crying for our kids, because this isn't how it is supposed to be for them. Why couldn't this sh*t happen to me? Sigh. And we feel alone.
During my business hours- when hubby isn't home or asleep- I am a single mom. I don't mean this in a mean way- but there it is. Hubby is at work and I'm silently going crazy. Thank God for my family who always babysits the girls or Cems while we go to therapies. I alone must decide therapies, approaches, etc. Put him on GFCF diet- me. Put him on 1-2-3 magic- me. Transitioning key words- me. tilt balance exercises for Ali- me. Stretches and lunges for Ali- me. taping, bracing for Ali- me. Whatever X method we're trying and having researched- all me. Some days I barely have time to use the bathroom alone because JD has to follow me around the house showing me things or using me as his play tool. Then at night I sit on the computer for HOURS researching, reading, writing on my blog or thinking about writing on my blog. I write things for my blog in my head in the my 5 minute showers or deep at night when everyone is finally asleep. Me- wide awake writing a blog waiting for one of the kids to cry out. And then I realize I didn't talk to my hubby today other than the how was your day, hello, good night, what do you want for dinner. None of it describes my wants or needs nor do they address his. So we're simply living our own experiences and harboring our own resentments. And then I think- where the hell are our Somedays? Are we there yet?
So dear Hubby- I'm sorry for not thinking of you more. I'm sorry for not recognizing that you're grieving and are just as bombarded with all these emotions as I am. Somehow I'm struggling to get back to our Some days when we laughed and handled things together but I have no doubt I'll get there. We've survived Achalasia, Infertility, one Kidney stone, 2 high risk pregnancies, and now we'll survive this- or at least put up a really big fight to learn to live with it as we both change and grow from this experience. But we have to both let go of expectations because they're a b*tch. And they set us up for failure. Besides we've been together 13 years, surely we've racked up enough reward points to get us through all of this?
 |
| Aruba 2007 Some Days- 14 months before JD was born |
I've close by leaving you with a better tips list that I found this morning. It was honest and kinda inspired me to write the public apology to my hubby. I haven't been the nicest or most patient of wife's with my husband for a while now. But I'll get there. Read Good tips here.
Thanks for reading.
No comments:
Post a Comment