Romance novels

Romance novels are probably 80% of what I read. Earlier today I was sitting at the Y waiting for JD’s gymnastics class to finish, reading a historical novel that takes place in the 1800s about an interracial couple and their children growing up right after most Native Americans were sent to reservations. It was a wild west historical, very nicely written in case you're interested, called Reckless Love by Madeline Baker. There is a point to this, I'm getting to it. Bear with me.

So there I am sitting, periodically looking towards the door hoping it’s going well and cringing at the thought that this might be another activity that does not go well. This isn’t a special needs class, their teacher assured me they’ve had many spectrum kids in their class before and they should be fine. Frankly, I’m not reassured and am worried but we decided to give it a try. Maybe I’m brave, stubborn, or crazy. If you’ve read my blog for a bit you know that we have struggled with getting JD to enjoy and cooperate in a sports group activity & I’d given up on it for the summer and spring. I have no idea why I’m trying again. Perseverance or insanity.

While reading, I think about the challenges my kids may face. My kids are biracial, I’m Guatemalan and my husband is Caucasian. We've come a long way since the civil rights movement. I don't worry too much about racism. I'm not saying racism doesn't exist, I fear that may never end. I'm saying that I hope to raise them strong enough that their self esteem isn't affected by it. Whatever challenges and disabilities they may face in their lives, I don’t want them to care about others opinions, I don’t want them to feel belittled and I never want them to feel ashamed of themselves.

Then I thought, what if they read my blog! Crap! I’m always venting out my fears and frustrations. I mean, that’s why I started the blog! So I started planning this post because I want the kids to know that I am so happy to be their mom. I want them to know and see in writing, that I am not ashamed of them, I’m proud of what they’ve surpassed and of who they are becoming. I am sure as they grow there will be moments of parental pride and moments when they will make me want to bang my head because of their teenage pranks. I don’t ever want them to think that all of my venting and frustrations in any way indicate that I am ashamed of who they are or were as children. Sure we have challenges; it’s not easy to be raising 3 so close in age on 1 income. Our schedule is insane between therapies and doctors appointments. Yes my life is so very different from the pre-kids days, they are my 1^st priority. This is how it should be.

I spent so many years not sure if I wanted kids, knowing I wanted to establish a career before having them, then I spent married life wanting kids and hoping it would happen on its own. I remember the emotions I felt as the nurse confirmed my pregnancy over the telephone, the first ultrasound, all of those pregnancy moments. I didn’t have easy pregnancies—both times I had high blood pressure and pre-eclampsia. With the twins I also had gestational diabetes. Both times I was induced about a month early as a result. But I loved being pregnant, it was emotional and just lovely.

So kids, years from now if you’re somehow reading my blog, I am not ashamed of you. Truly, God blessed me when he made me a mother. But parenthood does not come without its challenges and this page is my way to vent my emotions because frankly I’m tired of talking about autism and delays with friends and family. I’d rather just write about it.

Beware- Pumpkins in the air!

Yesterday I got kicked, spit on, yelled at, hit, had a pumpkin thrown at me (a little one but still oww!), was told I didn't like him and that I was scary (I've learned to tune this out because it's just his way of expressing frustration), and the finale-- stripped of clothes and diaper and peed on his bed so that he wouldn't have to nap. Never mind that we'd been sitting on the potty for 10 minutes fighting for him to go potty. Potty training is not going well but I refuse to quit. He will be potty trained; I will not cave on this.

It was a horrendous day. It was Day 2 or 4 of migraine from hell. I’ve been surviving with lots of tea or coffee and Excedrin. I can’t take my usual Imitrex because I’m breastfeeding. So at lunch time (well my 3 pm lunch time) when the kids were napping, I brought out the wine and has 2 glasses. It mellowed me out. Headaches are the worst. No, I take that back, you know what’s the worst? Having your child screeching at you at the top of his lungs, banging on doors and walls like a maniac. These rage fits—where are they coming from? What the hell is causing them?

I wonder is this because he doesn’t want to use the potty? Or is this neurological? My instinct is to take him to see the neuro because these rages scare me. I’m scared he could really hurt himself. Frankly, I’m scared I don’t have the tolerance or patience. Honestly, if this keeps up I might need some medication—FOR ME and maybe him. I spent the day fluctuating between practicing my “I’m not angry and must be emotionless” 1-2-3 magic parenting style voice, crying in the bathroom, and wondering what the trigger is. It seems to be potty training. Sigh. This is so difficult!

I’m putting him back on the digestive enzymes and probiotics. We fell off our supplement regime and suddenly the rages are back. In the meantime I’ll keep plugging away. But I’m hiding all the pumpkins. Those suckers hurt! Oh today, the worst part was when I hyper extended my elbow and JD proceeded to step on it. The pain was horrific and it still hurts. But he really didn’t do it on purpose, he was oblivious to it.

Something odd- last night he was recapping his favorite part of the day like we always do. His recap—he was telling me about something that never happened. So does that mean he can’t remember what happened during the day? Does it mean the day’s a big blank? See—that’s why I’m wondering if I should take him to a neuro, to rule out seizures. But then today he apologized and gave me a hug each and every time his fits of anger and meltdowns were over. So he’s aware of his meltdowns. I dunno.  I am clueless. Keep on swimming. Not much else to do right?

Fear & A mother's love

If you already have one child with a disability and you're going through the diagnose stage with a second child, can you still grieve? Can you still go through the process or is it a 1 time deal thing?

Are the stages shorter? Or is the pain and blame game twofold? How is this stupid forsaken process different? If I stop and think about it I will cry and regrouping will be a b*tch that may require medical intervention for me via some happy pills that cure anxiety and perhaps some therapeutic liquor on especially difficult days. I am the mom, the primary caretaker, the one who felt their first movements and I have to buck up because I don't have time for the pity party, I have to keep it together because my 3 babies depend on me. I don't think its right that I should have to go through this forsaken process more than once, if at all. Shouldn't a parent get a pass if one of her kids already has a disability? And why do any of my kids need to have a disability? Why couldn't that have skipped our home?

Apple has been receiving physical therapy since she was three months old. She's logged over 150 PT hours over that time. That's hard work for a baby. She's now also receiving occupational and speech therapies. She rolled over when she was seven months old, crawled at 11 months, and started walking at 18 months. At 20 months she's only clearly speaking 5 words and 5 approximations but her receptive skills are much better than that. Needless to say she has not had your typical development. What is causing it? Why can't she be a normal developing baby? Her twin is developing at a "normal or typical" schedule. Is it all because she had torticollis? Is there something else causing all of this and what else should I be doing?

This is so difficult and yet it is in a way easier to process because we've been through this before with my son. So I now know to be knowledgeable, be proactive, to advocate for her. And I have been. She is receiving all the services she needs to develop and now the more elusive diagnosis is the only frustration. Let's not discuss heart ache. I doubt I can ever fully explain that. It might be a have to know one to understand it fully. The pain and guilty-- those feelings can't be shared.

I don't think we're dealing with Autism here. This isn't denial. I've been filling out the MCHAT questionnaire pretty regularly for her. I even ask her therapists if they see any symptoms or signs. Apple is clearly a social child, she makes eye contact, sure she does this weird thing where she point with her middle finger, but she also has a pincer grip and is showing a left hand preference. She's a sensory seeker but it is age appropriate. She plays well with other kids her age, she plays well with her siblings, she's interested in other kids and her environment. Despite her gross motor delays and suspected gross motor planning problems, both her early intervention team and us (the parents) do not see any social delays. Nor do we notice any cognitive delays. It is so frustrating!

The worst is not knowing. You can only fear the unknown. All very trite and yet so true. It is a ticking time bomb because the undiagnosed can have a really bad name. But I still want to know, I've never been a coward. I've always been me-- aggressive and determined. So I want to know this unknown beast. I want to know its name and its everything. Because there is no way it's going to have my baby without a fight. I'm not going down without a fight. So whatever the motherf*ing name these symptoms all add up to, it's not going to win. My baby, all three of my babies are going to have a normal childhood and dammit they're going to have a normal life. It's just going to be our version of "normal" and maybe I'll shed plenty of tears throughout this battle, maybe the hope and dreams will take a beating, but this mofo isn't going to win, not in our house. Please God give me the energy and the faith to keep on going, because that's all I can control.

One year later, life is good

My toddler turned 4 over the weekend. He's gotten really tall and lanky. We had a fun weekend; birthday parties and Sesame Place, good times. On Sunday night I burst into tears-- well sobs really. I don't even know why because we're having a good spell right now. JD's behavior is a lot better, the girls are easier to manage, I've got a good handle on the kids needs, hubby and I are best friends once more, the house is less cluttered, my life is less cluttered, things are good. But this knock you on your knees grief kind of embarrassed and surprised me.

I calmed down and thought about what was upsetting me. Sure I seem to have lost a friend after 20 years of friendship, my best friend fired me. I'm a little unclear as to what I did but regardless, I officially have 1 less friend and 1 more acquaintance. I've picked myself up and moved on, one thing I know is that you can't keep people who don't want to stay in your life. I know that friendship is changed regardless. I put my faith and trust in someone who never considered me a trustworthy friend-- those lessons can't be unlearned. Sucks. But no, that's not what made me cry. I thought some more, I think its from happiness! Yes happiness made me cry like a nut! Let me explain.

I'm relieved that the kids are doing so well, emotionally it's been a really tough year for us. I think my husband and I are walking around with anxiety and post traumatic stress. While things aren't perfect, at least we're in a much better place, we recognize our weaknesses. Having your child diagnosed with autism can be traumatic. Having one of the twins developmentally delayed is very stressful. Sure the diagnosis doesn't change your child or your love for them-- but suddenly you have therapies and evaluations. Your house has a revolving door, clean & organized house- who the hell has time for that? You exist from one eval to another, from one therapy to another in a desperate fight to gain some progress, to regain speech, to "achieve" normal. But nothing is normal, nothing is the same, your life and expectations have changed forever. Even your relationship with your husband isn't the same. Suddenly you find yourself less patient, not talking as much, its hard to be a couple when you feel you need to put everything you have into your children's progress and well being. To the point of excluding your hubby.

I'm not especially happy or proud to say that, but that's what I instinctively did. It got so bad that we talked about divorce, separation. But that wasn't what was best for our children or for us. I don't want to go to work full time and risk losing all the progress the kids have accomplished just because I can't seem to get along with my husband. Hell would freeze over before I ever took alimony, I have too much pride and frankly a damn good degree to ever let a man provide for me. So I went searching for a cure all. I didn't have the energy for a divorce and I doubt that would make me any happier or any less stressed. I talked to my former best friend, to some other close friends, to my priest, to my online mommies group, and no one could help or make it better. No one could help me come up with a resolution. The fact that it got that bad, that things were so stressful at home, I mean we didn't talk, for weeks! All summer we tried to be parents, to be a family, but we weren't really a couple. But that didn't work.

I remembered something my mother in law told me when my hubby and I were planning our wedding. She told me that during stressful times we had to hold on to each other, to our love, and it would get us through. So I decided to forgive, forget, and strive for more patience, to strive to love my husband. And then I realized I needed to be a couple again, to be friends, to be what couples in love are-- they talk!  I needed to learn how to let go. We're at a good point-- all 5 of us. It's been an emotional year and I'm thankful we've learned from it. Life is good. Oh and I told off the people that needed to be told off, including my limpid father in law. I am making a point to exclude negative people, those who walk around with a rain cloud over their heads, out of my life, they only bring complications into your life. Life is better right now.

Chicken soup for goals

My goal for JD is to have him start mainstream kindergarten, with an aide to help with his behavior and with transitions. We have 2 years to try and make that goal a reality and I don't know if it'll happen. I used to worry that I'd be upset if it was never achieved. Over the weekend, I came to the realization that I would be fine. What lead to this epiphany?

We've all been sick this weekend, the girls have had a stomach bug, JD & I have had a cold, hubby seems to have a stronger immune system than us guppies so he's not feeling as bad. JD has been whining at night, his throat hurts, he's congested, he coughs-- he's a almost 4 year old and he is never at his best when he's half asleep, he becomes almost non verbal and his awareness is minimal. I was so frustrated at one point trying to figure out why he was crying, all I wanted to do was take away his pain, and he was just curled into himself on his bed crying refusing or unable to answer. Turned out his tummy was cramping and an upset stomach that was the culprit. Boy was that fun--explaining what vomit is and trying to calm an almost hysterical boy while he's half asleep. It made me realize how much worse autism can be when you have someone who isn't verbal and who can't communicate.

Please don't read this as pity or condescension-- it isn't at all. More so, it's the exact opposite. I am in awe of all Autism parents who can't communicate with their kids verbally, who have kids who won't respond when spoken too. I was so frustrated and worried trying to figure out the source of his pain. I felt so useless and panicked. It made me realize that what we deal with, it's not so bad in comparison. Sure I have my hands full, but JD is a really good kid most of the time, he just needs redirection often, and he's progressing so nicely as he grows. I am so thankful that JD has come such a long way in his vocabulary, he's already come such a long way from our pre diagnosis days that how can I not be thankful? So if we don't meet my personal goal of mainstreaming by kindergarten (and let's be honest that is my goal not JD's, he could care less, he doesn't even understand what that is), I'll be fine because many other kids with autism have it much worse, have been working towards progression for much longer than us. So I need to be thankful for what we've been given, for what is, and stop worrying about the maybes. And how apt that I even have a lovely bouquet of roses to smell!

On Saturday, JD & I went to Shoprite to get chicken soup ingredients and while there they were having a dog event outside in the parking lot. I wish I'd had my camera with me. I know I'll forever have this image in my mind-- JD flapping his hands and twirling in excitement as he was licked by a 3 year old beagle. "Mommy, doggy, doggy!" Smiling his million watts smile that will forever melt my heart. I love this kid so much, sometimes I wonder how my heart doesn't burst from the emotion.  I called hubby from the produce section so excited for my tots happiness of the moment.

OT Sensory Tips and Ideas

Need a cheap sensory toy? I bought light up balls with pointy edges in the toy bargain section at Walmart for $1. I bought about 6 of them. All 3 kids love them.  Toysrus and Target have them too, check their $1 section bins.

Searching for exercise ball to help your little one relax? Most Family Dollar stores or 5 Below stores have them. Don't fill them up too much or your kid will be on the floor. Leave them a little flat so they can bounce and sit on them easily. The toy sections in most stores also has bouncy balls with handles, some with cartoon characters for the kiddies! Another option are those inflattable punching bags. They were huge in the 80s and are making a come back but they call them Bop Balls nows.
I found some on clearance at Big Lots and I saw some at Target on clearance too, in the summer toy aisle.
http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss_1?url=search-alias%3Dtoys-and-games&field-keywords=inflatable+bop+bag

How about a sensory mat?  Ikea has these cloth seats called Sagosteen in the kids section. We bought the one with a star on it. Put padding in it and you have a crash mat for sensory input. Don't forget to buy the padding! http://www.ikea.com/ca/en/catalog/products/20166754/You can also try those plastic inflattable chairs at the discount stores and use those. Although we go through a lot of those.  try not to pay full price for those. http://www.target.com/s/chair+inflatable+kid?ref=tgt_adv_XS000000&AFID=google&CPNG=furniture3&adgroup=kids+furniture&LNM=Chair%20inflatable%20kid&MT=broad&LID=30p4742176&KID=5b5da096-90ea-8089-bbca-000076da5103

You can also fill up a bunch of balloons or plastic balls and put them under the bedspread-- your kid will love it. If you're looking for those plastic balls from ballpits-- check out craigslist, ebay, or consignment sales.  A lot cheaper than when bough new. Just fill the tub with some bleach and it'll disinfect them. A bean bag that gamers use is also a good crash mat. Or if your kid is like mine-- a good old fashioned pillow fight or cushions from the sofa and you can have all the sensory input and lots of giggles you need.

Flour and salt, pasta wheels or elbows during craft time, playdoh, epsom salt baths or oatmeal baths for sensory input. I give JD epsom salt in his hand-- especially the clump and he dissolves it. We just did it tonight to calm him and his upset tummy down. He loves the sensation of the abrasive salt as it dissolves on the tub floor. JD loves playdoh. Add some salt/sugar to it for extra input. He loves playing with ice cubes and water too. Of course that makes a bit of a mess so that gets annoying.

I've been looking for a weighted vest idea that I could do myself. So I've bough some rash shirts-- those swimwear tight shirts and JD can wear them underneath his clothes, kind of like compression shirts for sensory input. Go buy a sweater vest or vest and sew in weights and you've got a weighted vest.  I've also been relying on Pinterest to help me find some ideas for this. So if you're looking for sensory toys or things to use-- don't forget to check Pinterest or to think outside the box.

Hope these ideas help!

Potty Train, Hands off the P. . .

You know how we're potty training all 3 over here in Twingle house? I'm not crazy, just being practical! The girls are walking so why not? Apple's speech therapist inspired me. She has a client who has down syndrome, non verbal I believe and can't hold herself upright but she's potty trained. She's younger than my girls, so if that baby can be potty trained surely my 3 can be too! I was inspired and I'm on a mission to get out of diapers. It's expensive to have 3 kids in diapers. We buy 2 cases of diapers a month on our tight budget. I NEED them to be potty trained! But will I survive the training?

My goal was to potty train while we were on our 3 week break in August. Well that didn't work. So now we started with school. We are using Good Nights and Pull Ups, no diapers because he's a big boy and big boys use the potty train. http://www.amazon.com/The-Potty-Train-David-Hochman/dp/1416928332- Great book. I think I know it by heart.

Our routine- Potty in the morning, twice at school, before & after each meal, before bath time at night. If he actually goes in the potty he gets 2 stickers to put on his reward chart ($2.00 for stickers & chart at the dollar section in Target). 1 sticker if he sits on the potty the whole time (meaning I don't have to chase his naked butt down the hallway). We read all 3 of his "potty" books while he sits in the potty & we sing the ABCs and he can get up when he's done singing. Sometimes (AHEM, Usually) he fights sitting on the potty. Once we've wrestled and he's sitting we fight about getting off, flushing over and over, unrolling and throwing toilet paper, putting stickers on the toilet seat, kicking the bathroom door, yelling. Its all sorts of fun. Oh and the new one-- squirting while peeing because its like a "hose". Good Lord child! Once I'm exhausted and whimpering  I have to sit the girls on the potty too.

Last night I went in to check on the kids before I went to bed--JD was soaked! JD and his fascination with all things underneath the pullups and good nights- yes I do mean that. He says it feels nice, I guess so. Well it causes leaks when the pullups aren't pulled back into place. I changed him and he slept through it all! Now to wash the sheets again. It's become a daily morning routine. I consider it a win if I can get him to sit in the potty most days. A morning where he sits in the potty and transitions to school without a scream, kick, or argument? Priceless. At least we don't get "looks" in the parking lot. Well we do, but only because I star in my own baby parade with the stroller and the tot. Not the other type of look where I'm the bad parent.

I leave you with our newest funny and one my hubby will probably wish I hadn't shared but you guys get it right? We have to laugh.

Since we switched to pull ups and Good nights:
"Buddy its private and not in the store ok?" And there he is hands in his pants at the check out. Usually happens there for some reason, guess when he gets bored. Go ahead, its funny. He does it while he's watching tv too. "Buddy that's private, only in your room." Oh and this prompted an interesting conversation about our stance on masturbation, religion, and calling body parts by proper name. My stance-- its all good unless you're hurting someone or can get arrested for public indecency/lewdness. So gotta teach buddy boy that it's private!

Apparently my "stranger touch" conversation was a bit too confining. His teacher and my sister were told by Buddy Boy that "don't touch my penis, only mommy and daddy." Hmm, need to add unless its the doctor, teacher, or family. "Mama, Ms. Teacher can't touch penis,its not good. JD is better." JD speak for they can't touch me, only I can."

Strolling along anywhere "Buddy, hands in pockets."-- it sounds better than "Don't touch your Penis." If I keep saying that in stores I'm going to get looks.

Oh and in case I haven't said this enough, I don't give a flying F*ck about anyone's opinion on my parenting. I am doing the best I can, I might never win Mom of the year, I'm sure I screw up at least 10 times a day, I might never win Wife of the year either. But I love my kids and my hubby and I'm doing the best I can. Until you live here and walk the walk, stop talking out of your a**. Nobody gives a damn about your unhelpful and often ignorant opinion.-- Yes Dear Lady at the Walmart, this is for you.