One year later, life is good

My toddler turned 4 over the weekend. He's gotten really tall and lanky. We had a fun weekend; birthday parties and Sesame Place, good times. On Sunday night I burst into tears-- well sobs really. I don't even know why because we're having a good spell right now. JD's behavior is a lot better, the girls are easier to manage, I've got a good handle on the kids needs, hubby and I are best friends once more, the house is less cluttered, my life is less cluttered, things are good. But this knock you on your knees grief kind of embarrassed and surprised me.

I calmed down and thought about what was upsetting me. Sure I seem to have lost a friend after 20 years of friendship, my best friend fired me. I'm a little unclear as to what I did but regardless, I officially have 1 less friend and 1 more acquaintance. I've picked myself up and moved on, one thing I know is that you can't keep people who don't want to stay in your life. I know that friendship is changed regardless. I put my faith and trust in someone who never considered me a trustworthy friend-- those lessons can't be unlearned. Sucks. But no, that's not what made me cry. I thought some more, I think its from happiness! Yes happiness made me cry like a nut! Let me explain.

I'm relieved that the kids are doing so well, emotionally it's been a really tough year for us. I think my husband and I are walking around with anxiety and post traumatic stress. While things aren't perfect, at least we're in a much better place, we recognize our weaknesses. Having your child diagnosed with autism can be traumatic. Having one of the twins developmentally delayed is very stressful. Sure the diagnosis doesn't change your child or your love for them-- but suddenly you have therapies and evaluations. Your house has a revolving door, clean & organized house- who the hell has time for that? You exist from one eval to another, from one therapy to another in a desperate fight to gain some progress, to regain speech, to "achieve" normal. But nothing is normal, nothing is the same, your life and expectations have changed forever. Even your relationship with your husband isn't the same. Suddenly you find yourself less patient, not talking as much, its hard to be a couple when you feel you need to put everything you have into your children's progress and well being. To the point of excluding your hubby.

I'm not especially happy or proud to say that, but that's what I instinctively did. It got so bad that we talked about divorce, separation. But that wasn't what was best for our children or for us. I don't want to go to work full time and risk losing all the progress the kids have accomplished just because I can't seem to get along with my husband. Hell would freeze over before I ever took alimony, I have too much pride and frankly a damn good degree to ever let a man provide for me. So I went searching for a cure all. I didn't have the energy for a divorce and I doubt that would make me any happier or any less stressed. I talked to my former best friend, to some other close friends, to my priest, to my online mommies group, and no one could help or make it better. No one could help me come up with a resolution. The fact that it got that bad, that things were so stressful at home, I mean we didn't talk, for weeks! All summer we tried to be parents, to be a family, but we weren't really a couple. But that didn't work.

I remembered something my mother in law told me when my hubby and I were planning our wedding. She told me that during stressful times we had to hold on to each other, to our love, and it would get us through. So I decided to forgive, forget, and strive for more patience, to strive to love my husband. And then I realized I needed to be a couple again, to be friends, to be what couples in love are-- they talk!  I needed to learn how to let go. We're at a good point-- all 5 of us. It's been an emotional year and I'm thankful we've learned from it. Life is good. Oh and I told off the people that needed to be told off, including my limpid father in law. I am making a point to exclude negative people, those who walk around with a rain cloud over their heads, out of my life, they only bring complications into your life. Life is better right now.