FML Crap like this

I've always hated that expression and dare I say overly used acronym on Facebook. Really, what could be so terrible in your life that would make you feel like cashing it in or making you feel so useless? Well today dear FML frequent users, I'm joining the club! Because some days, well nights if you're a SAHM, only an expletive as lovely as the f-bomb can ever satisfy emotionally! And then, only after multiple uses!!

Tonight I feel so frustrated and useless that I either want to scream it at the top of my lungs repeatedly, stomp my foot, or maybe go sip a twisted lemonade (I do have nearly an entire case in stock). Except I'm a mom and I remind myself that I need to be more responsible and I'm on an antibiotic. Let me tell you about the last 2 weeks since we got back from our Cali trip.

We came back restored & refreshed to a house full of sick kids who then spread their germs as only kids can do and got my house sick and my parents house sick too. I got back into the grind last week with 2 sick girls with ear infections and upper respiratory infections, dragged them to therapies with JD, I finally realized I was sick, hubby even stayed home to help on one of those days, before you know it I had a raging fever and I found myself bundling up like we were living in the Arctic instead of living in the dead of summer in the middle of a Philly heatwave.

Last week was rough and well I didn't get around to going to the doctor until Saturday. At 34 years old,  I somehow get my 1st case of a double ear infection while getting a visit from Aunt Flo. To make myself even luckier I had an allergic reaction to amoxicilin. I spent a miserable unfortunate night trapped between the bathroom and the kids rooms wondering if the so called cure was going to kill me as I flushed yet another time as I purged from multiple orifices simultaneously. It's a latent talent. On Monday, my nurse told me that I should've gone to the hospital after the first flush. Hmm, I'd have to be dying. No thanks. I dealt with the swollen gums and the painful GI issues. She doesn't know my hatred for hospitals or my high pain threshold-- if you have Achalasia or any one of the "rare" diseases you hate hospitals. I'd explain why but well you have to be part of the club to get it.

Sometime in the wee hours of Sunday I wanted to die but realized I couldn't because my will isn't done and hubby doesn't know what meds or supplements the kids are on, the calendar isn't updated, and I have no life insurance since Met Life denied me the bastards! If I go to the hospital, I'll have to drive myself because the kids are sleeping, and no way am I pooping in my pants in my van, it'll stink for months and I'll be beyond embarrassed. I'll just stay in my bathroom floor. Today I'm eyeing the penicillin (new prescription) kinda nervously because my stomach is sore but at least I'm feeling somewhat recovered from the crap throw up fest. And my mouth is back to normal.

Took the girls to the pediatrician for their 16 mo check up and my babies are significantly underweight. I must go get them tested for Celiacs and other disorders and take Apple for a visit to the developmental pediatrician. I have a month to fatten them up before something dire apparently although what the dire is no one mentions? So this implies what? That I don't feed them? That I somehow miss a crying hungry baby? I'd notice, I think, if someone was crying for food. I know they're skinny but I swear I feed them! I have a fairly strict routine with the kids. One of them has autism and I have multis, routines come with motherhood of special needs. Its like peanut butter and jelly or salt and pepper or well you get what I'm saying here.

Then while the girls are crying since they're hungry and its nap time, I decline their shots just like I have at their 9 mo and every time I've gone in since. I just smile, shake my head negative, and tell her we're opting out. She either assumes I'm taking it lightly or thinks she can change my mind. Why she feels that lecturing me on the importance of vaccinations will change my mind? I dunno. I wanted to argue about efficacy rates, the percentages of people with severe allergic reactions to both these vaccines (Dtap and MMR), and the fact that I wasn't anti vaccine, merely didn't believe in unnecessary ingredients or combination shots. But instead I just signed the release for non vaccination and proceeded to nurse the girls to quiet them down. Because you see Dear Dr. Pam (and I do honestly like this doctor, she's very patient, thorough, and respectful), I do not need another vaccinate your kids lecture. I am a 34 year old mom of 3, 2 with special needs. I have logged how many hours in therapies, driving them to specialists, to therapies, calling to arrange things, I have an MBA, a BBA, and even a library card. I am fully capable to make an informed decision and while you're spouting off the latest CDC memo, I'm noticing that you have NOT informed me of all the dangers. So politely shut up so I can feed the girls, have you not noticed (and how could you fail to hear) that the girls have not stopped screaming through this entire visit because my appointment was at 10 and it's now 11:30 and we've been in this room for over an hour? So I start unclasping my bra and lifting my shirt and that was her cue to run out the room. I need to feed my kids I don't feed enough right?

I'm a bit depressed because I knew we'd have to take Apple to the Dev. Peds. I knew that was coming. But somehow it seems worse now that it's an official request from our pediatrician- I don't know why. I reach out for comfort and reassurance and find myself in my room listening to Delilah wanting to post FML on Facebook because I'm tired of dealing with Crap Like This! Being sick with stupid things that adults typically don't get- like an ear infection, let alone 2. A sudden allergic reaction to Amoxicilin. My kids not gaining weight. Oooh and being lectured on the dangers of not vaccinating against Whooping Cough and Measles. And to make my self pity party complete, I missed taking JD to a birthday party and I enjoy those. I also got into an argument with hubby in front of the in laws. We've always always agreed never to argue in front of our folks. Arguments are private right? Except when I get yelled at for coming down to deal with the crying, squealing 3 kids who are having stranger danger and over stimulation issues. Yelled at! Oh I'm sorry, you just got excited, you didn't yell. Maybe I should have stayed upstairs though since I wasn't feeling great and I didn't count to 550. I had zero patience and just blasted him. Not my finest moment. I'm not embarrassed. Just pissed at myself for letting it get to that point.

Note to self, FML I'm tired of dealing with this shit! I have enough on my plate with the kids, I do not have time for marital squabbles over me daring to come downstairs or as tonight, I do not have time for non-squabbles over how someone fails to understand that all I needed was a shoulder to cry on. A silent shoulder who didn't say the wrong thing and not enough of the appropriate thing. When did it become ok for someone else to feel the need to validate my emotions? I don't recall asking for permission for my emotions. I'm going to end this here because I'm tired, cranky, and down in the dumps (no pun intended. Oh okay, that was gross. But hey it was my allergic reaction, I can make fun of it).

I'll leave you with a good song on the radio right now that I love. And it's somewhat appropriate.
Marriage isn't about perfection or always agreeing, it's about knowing each others imperfections and making it work, because we've got 3 kids and they deserve happy parents able to provide them a happy childhood.

Goodnight!

Kids are expensive!

I'm reworking our family budget, trying to trim costs and make our budget balance. It is very difficult to go down to one income and adjust accordingly with 3 little kids. They are expensive and get even more expensive the older they get!

Now in the past year since we've been a 1 income household I've become pretty saving savy.
One of the best things I did was before I quit- I bought my van in cash by emptying my 401K. I know some view that as a faux pas but I can't imagine relying on others or public transportation. If I had a car payment we would be in deep trouble right now. So I am glad that I did it, even though it left me with no retirement fund. I just figure I'll be working for the rest of my life in one way or another.

I've also started couponing-- not an extreme couponer, just a smart couponer. If a deal is good enough, then I bulk up my supply. I buy when things are on sale and if I have a coupon. I buy store brand, I buy the kids clothes either on clearance or from a consignment. Diapers, bath toiletries, wipes- I buy in bulk or via subscribe n save on Amazon.com or Diapers.com. 

I've done an interest rate reduction twice on our mortgage. It's not much, but every penny saved is a penny earned right? I've cashed in our change and deposited into the kids accounts, I've consolidated our credit card debt into a 0% offer and I'll keep doing that until hopefully the debt is gone. I'll have myself a hallelujah happy dance when that day comes. I called the phone company and cable companies threatening to cancel. I've gotten promotional deals this way. Most recently I changed from cable to satellite and I bundled it with my phone, cell, and internet. I am saving over $150. just on that alone! So a month ago we started with a monthly budget deficit over $450, now I'm just trying to find an extra $150 a month. That's huge! I've been busy making phone calls and researching costs. I still have more things to cut out, more things to see about changing, my goal is to make this budget be in the black. Then I need to figure out how to make extra money in the fall. I'd like to start saving again and have a decent down payment for when we eventually move.

Anyways, kids are expensive, budgets are a necessary evil, and I have a headache from working on excel today. Here's a copy of the baby/kid expenses portion.

	Price per Unit	Units per Mo	Monthly Costs
sz 4 Luvs 180 ct	35	1	35
sz 7 Pampers 100 ct	47.19	1	47.19
shampoo/bath	30	1	30
wipes box of 720	18.49	1	18.49
mum mums	15.31	1	15.31
puffs	17.63	1	17.63
yogurt/melts	80	1	80
fruit snacks	14.08	1.5	21.12
juice	2.5	8	20
coconut milk/rice milk	4	6	24
gas	55	4	220
vitamins	19.99	0.33	6.5967
calcium chews	4.9	0.5	2.45
Girls Omega	13.56	1	13.56
omega	28	0.33	9.24
probiotics	16.75	3	50.25
enzymes	23.62	0.5	11.81
		Total	535.34

BEWARE- Crazy House full of Kids

A while ago I made a sign on an autism index card for emergency crew and posted it on my front doors. I did the same with my van. I worry about emergencies, would firefighters or EMTs know to hold JD? He'd get scared and who knows how he'd behave? So I have a sign on my front entry doors.

My home made sign

JD doesn't understand personal space and wants to be involved in everything. He's very affectionate and gregarious but he's also very particular about who he warms up to. I envy his ability to rely on his instincts. If highly stressed or nervous folks are around him- he acts up, gets super hyper and that awful screech is in high gear. If someone is calm and open- he's their best bud. If someone wants to force him to interact, he shuts down and tunes out. So depending on who it is, they can see a totally different side of my boy.

When people come to the house I always worry. All the therapists know what to expect so clearly I don't worry about them. Two weeks ago I applied for life insurance and the nurse came to the house to do a paramedical exam on me-- bloodwork, weight, blood pressure, medical history etc. The girls were having lunch and JD was watching tv. He got hyper at the newness of a stranger in the house. Jumping the couch hyper!

This week we had the plumber and the Direct tv guys over. Both service men were amazing with my kid! The Direct tv guy showed him his work van, and let JD "help". The plumber was perfectly fine with JD climbing all over him while the poor man was hunched over the bath tub pipes. When they left, my boy not only said "Good bye, later" on his own, but he made eye contact. Sure he was hyper, sure he verbally stimmed, sure he did all the stuff  you expect from a 3 year old. The girls, were the girls. And I was the baby chaser the entire time the service men were here.

After they leave and the kids are napping, I wonder 2 things:
1. Did these men leave here having gained a greater awareness of ASD?
2. Do they think we're as nuts as I sometimes feel?

I hope they at least learn that autism is a spectrum and JD is not Rain man. I don't know where JD is on the spectrum but I want people to accept him for who he is. Some behaviors can't be helped, some reactions can't be controlled-- and I am incredibly thankful for the folks who come into this house and treat JD as a normal 3 year old boy and don't show pity or fear or anything else negative. I know this won't always be the case, but I find myself feeling that maybe mankind isn't doomed, because there are some genuinely nice people left on this world. And some of them have found their way to my house.

JD with his Cars!

Are you still wondering why I think this is a crazy house? Here's what happened today:
Shortly after lunch Apple is nursing, I'm cuddling JD, and I'm googling. Cems is playing with the Leap Frog Tag Books when I heard her poor tummy make monstrous noises. I figured I'd let her finish before changing her diaper. I hear her tummy again. Then she starts crying. I look down and realize the diaper failed. Diaper Blow Out of Gargantuan proportions! So there's a Poop fest all over her, on  the floors, everywhere. Then Apple's tummy makes a familiar noise. Oh Shit!

I've got 2 poopy babies, poop on the floor, some on the couch, all over the book. Hmm, Dilemma! Can't leave the mess and JD alone, Can't leave the girls in the tub alone. I clean most of it with a boxful of baby wipes while holding on to the BOGOs by their dresses. Some days I wish I had arms like a Hindu Goddess. While I dump a fully dressed Apple in the tub, I undress Cems layer by layer, like a poopy onion and rinse her in the sink.

Man that was awfully disgusting. After an hour, the girls are showered and napping, JD is sort of asleep or about asleep, and the sofa cushions are in the washing machine. I start laughing because this is a crazy house! It's a happy crazy house but still kinda crazy busy. Life with Twingles is insane, some days its just easier to laugh than cry. Some days you just have to let the day be how it's going to be. And if service repair men think we're one crazy house- well they're right. It is! But it's fun!!

Unusual to be in the same spot

I learned it from my parents

I need to start this with a disclaimer since a lot of family reads this and although previous posts have been pointedly directed at certain family members- this post is Not. I'll say it again- this post is not directed at anyone. I am not responsible for others hindsight regrets or guilty consciences. If any one's feelings are hurt, then stop reading my blog. My blog is a place I can vent, rant, and write. I write for my sanity, I don't write to make anyone happy or sad. Well sometimes, but not this time. If you're chuckling by now then I guess you must not be related and it's time to start. Ok here goes. . .

Everything we know, we learned it from our parents. Hubby and I quite often joke that we learned our parenting approach from our childhood experiences. We have always said, "We'll do the opposite of how we were raised." Now don't tense up- this is not a bash our parents post. I'm not going to post anything about hubby's childhood, especially anything he might not want to relive or rehash because it's not my childhood to reveal or discuss. And I'm not going to rehash and analyze my childhood. I had a lovely childhood if somewhat sheltered and confining in a Spanish Catholic sort of way.

I was just upstairs nursing Apple back to sleep. I remembered an earlier conversation at the pediatricians office today. My sis told me the girls would sometimes fall asleep really late, off their schedule, when hubby and I were in Cali. It struck me as odd, because this is not the mom I remember. My mom has always been flighty but I was always fed and in bed at a early time. Then I thought some more, I don't remember playing with my mom. I have very clear memories of playing with my dad.  My mom would give me a bath and Dad would then put me to bed. I remember times with my mom revolved around household chores, listening and dancing to music, watching tv, going to church. But not playing together. How odd is that? I'm not saying she never played with me. I know she did, she must have. I'm saying I have no clear memory of this. I do remember memories of being punished, of being spanked or that awful clear plastic belt. Of walking to the mercado, to buy our daily bread and groceries. Running to the church when it started raining. Then memories of living here in the states- running home from 3rd street in flooded streets. Constantly wanting to do more things without parental supervision. Constantly resentful of being raised in a conservative Spanish Catholic culture when I was living in a very American country.  And if I'm completely honest- I was angry with my mom for many years- because she went to work and left me in school. And she's always been closer to my sister. Yeah, sure, parents don't have favorites. Tell that to someone who believes that! And the tooth fairy exists too by the way! You heard it here. My sister was my moms favorite chosen one, and I have been my dads. Until and unless said parent was mad at us, then that changed. It made for some sibling rivalry I think.

The kids will have clear memories of both hubby and I playing with them. I want them to have very good childhood memories. No one has photographic memories of their childhood. With time, things become distorted. Things we remembered as tall, big, and enormous are small and minimal when seen as adults. Is it possible hubby and I remember things to have been worse than they were? Doubtful in his case, I think hubby remembers things perfectly how they really were and he's made his peace with it. Me- I'm not sure. It wasn't awful-far from. It was nice and sweet. But it also wasn't perfect. It was confining to someone who wanted to experience and do more. So I found myself very stupidly and dangerous going behind my parents back and doing a lot of stupid teen stuff without them knowing. I had so many teen experiences without the guidance of a parent, because I knew they wouldn't approve and they wouldn't permit. Thankfully, I didn't land in too much trouble. But the potential was very much there. So, everything we don't want to do, everything we shouldn't do- we learned from our parents mistakes.

I know I'm making very general statements here about this. But I don't want to get into specific examples, as again, half this discussion I won't relate here. Its not my story and I respect hubby's privacy. I respect the boundaries of our relationship and clearly telling you about my partners childhood isn't something you should do without clear permission and well even with permission- its not my experience, not my memories to be airing. As much as I have no problem blasting family for their behaviors as it relates to my kids, I don't want to blast anyone for their behaviors towards my husband. Even though I might really want to.

I want to be supportive in a non judgemental and critical way. I want to push them to be better, push them to strive for more. But I don't want them to feel pressured to excel, like immigrant kids like me feel. I want them to feel like they can come to us and speak their minds, ask for our advice, know we'll always be there for them. I want them to know we'll be fair and we'll reach compromises. Sometimes we'll be adamant and say "No." No matter what, we'll always be there for them. I never ever want them to feel like they have to be the "emotional parent". I never ever want them to feel lonely, afraid, and tired of being an adult too soon. Ever. No child should ever feel that, and newsflash if your kid has ever felt that- baring any mental health issues- then you've sucked as a parent. No exceptions.

Something I believe passionately is that your job as a parent should be to support, encourage, discipline, love AND accept. Regardless of economic bracket, social status, culture, history- a child should have a childhood and it should be nurtured and protected. So that's what we plan to do with our kids. Sure we'll screw up, sure we'll make mistakes- but I want the kids to remember a happy family and definitely me playing with them. Because otherwise, I have no excuse for the messy house. Thanks for reading!

Never get a break

Ever feel like you can never get a break, that the perpetual black cloud is following you around? JD's fall IEP is just about finished. I just have to sign and mail back. His school is being increased to 4 half days per week (from 3) and we are stopping Applied Behavioral Analysis. So for the most part nothing is urgent with his school and therapies. So I should get a break in between meetings, phone calls and evals right?
Guess I should head to the beach with a nice little umbrella drink in my hand. Except Apple's IFSP is coming up in 2 weeks, her OT wants to discharge once she walks & her caseworker wants to close her services. What- end her services? Let's recap what some of the ongoing medical issues are: The cause of her anemia is still unresolved. She still has not been cleared from the neurologist. She still has hypotonia on her ankles and hips. The hypotonia scares the crap out of me. Immediately I think Fragile X and Retts Syndrome. She still favors her left and if I don't stretch her out during the day, her neck does not achieve complete rotation. She's about 85-90% range without continual stretches. I know she'll always have some form of torticollis- and hopefully it's not the spasmodic type. She's still not walking. She just got her sure steps on Monday. Her speech is behind when compared to her twin sister and she gags very easily when eating which leads me to suspect the torticollis might have affected her jaw muscles. Recently she has started smacking her head with her hand and then she laughs when I tell her not to do it. I don't know if this is just a new game or a possible stim. We're on a wait list for the developmental doctor at Children's Hospital. I don't want her to be discharged from medical assistance via loophole (medical diagnosis v. need).  It took forever to get it approved, I'd hate to go through that process again.

Then I laugh at the absurdity of my worry. Because if there is something else going on besides torticollis, the freaking medical assistance and early intervention services are the least of our worries. Funny how torticollis was minor and how it would be treated and cured quickly. Here we are at her annual IFSP and I'm worried about what her 1st eval at Children's will bring. I feel another big storm cloud coming over the horizon and I pray, I am praying that it passes, leaving Apple unscathed. Please pray with me.

Any developmental delay is a two fold worry for my girls. 1) they're preemies so they're already delayed. Sure it's late term preemies at 35 weeks so no major health complications, in fact they left the hospital with me, 2 days later. But they are still preemies and have been delayed by about 1-3 months. 2) Older sibling with ASD. They are starting to mimic everything JD does. But how much is mimicking what they see v. a possible stim?  (i.e. Apple smacking the side of her head, see above). 3) they're twins and they're developing at different stages. It is hard not to compare them to each other and wonder why one is behind. Cems has always spoken more than Apple. So when Cems is babbling and starting to speak in 2-3 word phrases, when she's mimicking and repeating what she hears I worry why Apple isn't catching up. And then I worry that Cems repeats everything like a parrot. Is this echolalia or typical baby developing speech. Is it too early to distinguish?

Why this fear? I see a lot of siblings with ASD, ADHD-- there does seem to be a hereditary/genetic component to it. Many of my autism mom friends have multiple kids somewhere on the spectrum or with ADHD. My deepest fear is that all 3 would develop ASD. I understand why some parents choose not to have other kids if they get the diagnosis when they only have 1 child. Because this fear for the twins is awful. It's insidious. It's horrid. I wish someone would cosh me over the head and tell me to stop it.

When is it just a normal (can it be called normal) delay v. an indication of ASD? When should my ASD radar go on alert since it clearly failed me with my son? I am always on alert- hyper vigilant. When is the next shoe going to drop, what comes next, what fire should I attend to next? Damn you Autism anxiety, I don't need this crap! I'm shaking my fist, furrow my brow, and get in my fight club mode. Whatever that is. Really, secretly, I just would like to know when to go into a fetal position and cry. Can the dark cloud called fear and anxiety go away? Sigh.

Good night dear friends and fellow Autism Parents. I'm going to shower and go to bed, make hubby hold my hand and let me cuddle until we both fall asleep. It is nice to have that reassurance at night, when these fears just swirl around my head. Cuddling is my favorite part of the night because I know we're together and hopefully, God willing, will face tomorrow and whatever cloud is coming, holding hands. I don't even mind when his snores tell me he's fallen asleep while I talk, again.

Cooper Cat goes to Heaven

Last night hubby found our Cooper Cat slumped in the litter box. Then he noticed he was walking unsteady. So we crated him and brought him up to the dining room where JD was fascinated with having his buddy in a crate and in the dining room. For the past several years we've kept the cats confined to the basement and most recently to the heated garage and laundry area because JD loves to pull their tails and their fur.

Just before I took the kids up to bed I told JD to leave Cooper alone.
Me: "Cooper is sick. He's sleeping."
JD: "Oh no, he has to go to the doctor!"
Me: "Yes, he's sleeping. C'mon let's go upstairs, bath time."
JD: "Good bye Cooper, Cooper's going to sleep."

After a lot of excitement, the craziness of bath and bedtime, I took Cooper Cat to the animal hospital in Langhorne, PA. Two hours later hubby and I said good bye to Coopie Kitty as he went to sleep forever. It was very sad. As we each drove back in our cars, crazy thoughts go through your head. It's nearly midnight and I realize Cooper is the 2nd cat that I've lost to diabetes. I hate diabetes--it kills you, it ravages your body, affects all your muscles and organs, eventually shutting everything down slowly, you fill up with acid and liquid and its painful. People who don't take diabetes seriously are just plain stupid because it's a killer and completely preventable (Type 2) & treatable.

Last night hubby and I wondered how and when we'd have to tell JD that Cooper was dead. We decided to handle it as you would a typical kid. As far as we know there's no special way to tell this to a ASD kid, I'm sure there's a social story somewhere on this. But we felt JD might understand it if I explained at his language age. Plus he does seem to understand what "dead" is, not sure if he understands the permanence- but I think that's fairly typical at this age.

This morning as he's coming down the steps-
JD: "Oh no, Coopie is gone!" He didn't see the crate and was upset. I guess he figured Cooper would still be there. Although Cooper would normally be in the basement.
Me: "Yes, baby. Cooper is gone." Hmm, here goes. Deep breath, tread slowly.
JD: "He's downstairs?" Eye contact and hope in his eyes and I just want to cry.
Me: "No, he's in heaven, he's gone." Clearly doesn't know what heaven is, he's thinking. I give him a moment.

Cooper sleeping with Molly

JD: "He's with Molly? With grand mom?"  We gave our dog to my sister-in-law and her girlfriend at  Christmas. At first we explained that Molly went to live with his aunt at the far away farm. But he didn't understand who that was so we ended up telling him that Molly now lived with grand mom. We gave him a familiar face to go with the permanence of the change. So now he thinks all pets who leave our house go with grand mom-- don't ask, the mind of a 3 year old! You gotta use whatever works. He asks for Molly now and then and seems to understand that she's living with someone else now. I show him pics or videos that my sister-in-law occasionally posts online.
Me: "No baby, Cooper is gone forever. He's in heaven with God."
JD: "Coopie no want to go with God! I'm mad!"
Me: "Do you want a hug?
JD: "Yes, I'm sad. Oh no, Cooper is gone. He's going home." Home to JD seems to mean gone away. He didn't cry but he was clearly upset and very sad. Cooper was the only cat to greet him, the other 2 are kind of feral.

At school today, the 1st thing he say to his teacher-
JD: "Ms. Nicole, Cooper is in Heaven, he's gone!" Still upset.
I had to explain to her what had gone on 10 minutes before at our house. Deep breath! So that's how I explained how Cooper went to Heaven. And we're all still upset.

Cooper sandwiched between Benny & Jerry

Great Expectations

Everyone was talking and asking questions but no one was mentioning the White Elephant in the room. Those 2 hours were excruciating. I was cheering my son on, hoping he'd talk, make eye contact, instead he blindly went on inspecting toys, tossing them aside when he was done looking them over. We left that evaluation and walked to the elevator with JD skipping along with us, pleased as could be. I was struggling to control the tears determined not to lose my control in front of my son. There had been a funeral in that room. The death of the expectations, of the future I envisioned for my first born. Now we had a name for his speech delay, awkward movements, and all the other symptoms that we'd failed to pick up on. The diagnosis floored us. When asked if I was alright, I could only shake my head and hold my tears in with the taste of fear and despair in my throat.

Me and Josh at 1 month old

We are told to let go of our expectations with an Autism diagnosis. We are advised to accept the new reality. For a while, that's what I tried to do. Or at least that's what I said I was doing. In reality- I was just looking for new expectations, slightly less ambitious than the baseball player/ballet dancer/doctor/engineer that I envisioned married to a lovely girl and lovely children. But then I got mad! Why should we let these expectations go so early on? Why let them go now? Isn't it enough I'm worried about what the future will hold, do I need to let these dreams go too?

I got mad at Autism. At God. At anyone who didn't understand exactly what we were going through. At anyone who questioned any therapies or parenting techniques we tried. Didn't they understand that JD had autism and he needed consistency, structure, and calling his name repeatedly would not work if you didn't get his attention at his eye level first? Didn't they understand the rampant fear I live with? JD has ASD, the odds are stacked against my girls- preemies, older sibling with ASD. Of course I'm going out of my mind, sick with worry for what lies ahead for all 3 of my children.

You know what Autism?  You might take away good balance, agility, attention span, speech, health- but you will NOT take away our expectations. Let them die a slow death with lack of progress in the years that come, let life experiences beat my desperate expectations down. But I can NOT, I can NOT live in a world where I have no expectations for my son. It defies the laws of parenting. How can I be a good parent unless we have some goals to strive for?  Give up our great expectations would be like asking me to stop believing in my son, in my God, in my everything. I can't function or live in a life that doesn't have something to strive for.

For now I am hopeful that he can eventually integrate to a school with minimal aide, that he can graduate high school, get a job, meet a girl, take care of a dog. I just want him to be happy- to have joy. I want him to be treated with dignity and to be accepted because he's such a sweet, loving, and funny little boy who has amazing blue smiling eyes and a lot to say now that his speech is coming along. I may never see him ride a bike or watch him play catch, he may struggle to make friends at the playground, but I'm not giving up on expectations. Yes JD has ASD, ADHD, but why does that mean I can't have great expectations for his future?