FML Crap like this

I've always hated that expression and dare I say overly used acronym on Facebook. Really, what could be so terrible in your life that would make you feel like cashing it in or making you feel so useless? Well today dear FML frequent users, I'm joining the club! Because some days, well nights if you're a SAHM, only an expletive as lovely as the f-bomb can ever satisfy emotionally! And then, only after multiple uses!!

Tonight I feel so frustrated and useless that I either want to scream it at the top of my lungs repeatedly, stomp my foot, or maybe go sip a twisted lemonade (I do have nearly an entire case in stock). Except I'm a mom and I remind myself that I need to be more responsible and I'm on an antibiotic. Let me tell you about the last 2 weeks since we got back from our Cali trip.

We came back restored & refreshed to a house full of sick kids who then spread their germs as only kids can do and got my house sick and my parents house sick too. I got back into the grind last week with 2 sick girls with ear infections and upper respiratory infections, dragged them to therapies with JD, I finally realized I was sick, hubby even stayed home to help on one of those days, before you know it I had a raging fever and I found myself bundling up like we were living in the Arctic instead of living in the dead of summer in the middle of a Philly heatwave.

Last week was rough and well I didn't get around to going to the doctor until Saturday. At 34 years old,  I somehow get my 1st case of a double ear infection while getting a visit from Aunt Flo. To make myself even luckier I had an allergic reaction to amoxicilin. I spent a miserable unfortunate night trapped between the bathroom and the kids rooms wondering if the so called cure was going to kill me as I flushed yet another time as I purged from multiple orifices simultaneously. It's a latent talent. On Monday, my nurse told me that I should've gone to the hospital after the first flush. Hmm, I'd have to be dying. No thanks. I dealt with the swollen gums and the painful GI issues. She doesn't know my hatred for hospitals or my high pain threshold-- if you have Achalasia or any one of the "rare" diseases you hate hospitals. I'd explain why but well you have to be part of the club to get it.

Sometime in the wee hours of Sunday I wanted to die but realized I couldn't because my will isn't done and hubby doesn't know what meds or supplements the kids are on, the calendar isn't updated, and I have no life insurance since Met Life denied me the bastards! If I go to the hospital, I'll have to drive myself because the kids are sleeping, and no way am I pooping in my pants in my van, it'll stink for months and I'll be beyond embarrassed. I'll just stay in my bathroom floor. Today I'm eyeing the penicillin (new prescription) kinda nervously because my stomach is sore but at least I'm feeling somewhat recovered from the crap throw up fest. And my mouth is back to normal.

Took the girls to the pediatrician for their 16 mo check up and my babies are significantly underweight. I must go get them tested for Celiacs and other disorders and take Apple for a visit to the developmental pediatrician. I have a month to fatten them up before something dire apparently although what the dire is no one mentions? So this implies what? That I don't feed them? That I somehow miss a crying hungry baby? I'd notice, I think, if someone was crying for food. I know they're skinny but I swear I feed them! I have a fairly strict routine with the kids. One of them has autism and I have multis, routines come with motherhood of special needs. Its like peanut butter and jelly or salt and pepper or well you get what I'm saying here.

Then while the girls are crying since they're hungry and its nap time, I decline their shots just like I have at their 9 mo and every time I've gone in since. I just smile, shake my head negative, and tell her we're opting out. She either assumes I'm taking it lightly or thinks she can change my mind. Why she feels that lecturing me on the importance of vaccinations will change my mind? I dunno. I wanted to argue about efficacy rates, the percentages of people with severe allergic reactions to both these vaccines (Dtap and MMR), and the fact that I wasn't anti vaccine, merely didn't believe in unnecessary ingredients or combination shots. But instead I just signed the release for non vaccination and proceeded to nurse the girls to quiet them down. Because you see Dear Dr. Pam (and I do honestly like this doctor, she's very patient, thorough, and respectful), I do not need another vaccinate your kids lecture. I am a 34 year old mom of 3, 2 with special needs. I have logged how many hours in therapies, driving them to specialists, to therapies, calling to arrange things, I have an MBA, a BBA, and even a library card. I am fully capable to make an informed decision and while you're spouting off the latest CDC memo, I'm noticing that you have NOT informed me of all the dangers. So politely shut up so I can feed the girls, have you not noticed (and how could you fail to hear) that the girls have not stopped screaming through this entire visit because my appointment was at 10 and it's now 11:30 and we've been in this room for over an hour? So I start unclasping my bra and lifting my shirt and that was her cue to run out the room. I need to feed my kids I don't feed enough right?

I'm a bit depressed because I knew we'd have to take Apple to the Dev. Peds. I knew that was coming. But somehow it seems worse now that it's an official request from our pediatrician- I don't know why. I reach out for comfort and reassurance and find myself in my room listening to Delilah wanting to post FML on Facebook because I'm tired of dealing with Crap Like This! Being sick with stupid things that adults typically don't get- like an ear infection, let alone 2. A sudden allergic reaction to Amoxicilin. My kids not gaining weight. Oooh and being lectured on the dangers of not vaccinating against Whooping Cough and Measles. And to make my self pity party complete, I missed taking JD to a birthday party and I enjoy those. I also got into an argument with hubby in front of the in laws. We've always always agreed never to argue in front of our folks. Arguments are private right? Except when I get yelled at for coming down to deal with the crying, squealing 3 kids who are having stranger danger and over stimulation issues. Yelled at! Oh I'm sorry, you just got excited, you didn't yell. Maybe I should have stayed upstairs though since I wasn't feeling great and I didn't count to 550. I had zero patience and just blasted him. Not my finest moment. I'm not embarrassed. Just pissed at myself for letting it get to that point.

Note to self, FML I'm tired of dealing with this shit! I have enough on my plate with the kids, I do not have time for marital squabbles over me daring to come downstairs or as tonight, I do not have time for non-squabbles over how someone fails to understand that all I needed was a shoulder to cry on. A silent shoulder who didn't say the wrong thing and not enough of the appropriate thing. When did it become ok for someone else to feel the need to validate my emotions? I don't recall asking for permission for my emotions. I'm going to end this here because I'm tired, cranky, and down in the dumps (no pun intended. Oh okay, that was gross. But hey it was my allergic reaction, I can make fun of it).

I'll leave you with a good song on the radio right now that I love. And it's somewhat appropriate.
Marriage isn't about perfection or always agreeing, it's about knowing each others imperfections and making it work, because we've got 3 kids and they deserve happy parents able to provide them a happy childhood.

Goodnight!