I learned it from my parents

I need to start this with a disclaimer since a lot of family reads this and although previous posts have been pointedly directed at certain family members- this post is Not. I'll say it again- this post is not directed at anyone. I am not responsible for others hindsight regrets or guilty consciences. If any one's feelings are hurt, then stop reading my blog. My blog is a place I can vent, rant, and write. I write for my sanity, I don't write to make anyone happy or sad. Well sometimes, but not this time. If you're chuckling by now then I guess you must not be related and it's time to start. Ok here goes. . .

Everything we know, we learned it from our parents. Hubby and I quite often joke that we learned our parenting approach from our childhood experiences. We have always said, "We'll do the opposite of how we were raised." Now don't tense up- this is not a bash our parents post. I'm not going to post anything about hubby's childhood, especially anything he might not want to relive or rehash because it's not my childhood to reveal or discuss. And I'm not going to rehash and analyze my childhood. I had a lovely childhood if somewhat sheltered and confining in a Spanish Catholic sort of way.

I was just upstairs nursing Apple back to sleep. I remembered an earlier conversation at the pediatricians office today. My sis told me the girls would sometimes fall asleep really late, off their schedule, when hubby and I were in Cali. It struck me as odd, because this is not the mom I remember. My mom has always been flighty but I was always fed and in bed at a early time. Then I thought some more, I don't remember playing with my mom. I have very clear memories of playing with my dad.  My mom would give me a bath and Dad would then put me to bed. I remember times with my mom revolved around household chores, listening and dancing to music, watching tv, going to church. But not playing together. How odd is that? I'm not saying she never played with me. I know she did, she must have. I'm saying I have no clear memory of this. I do remember memories of being punished, of being spanked or that awful clear plastic belt. Of walking to the mercado, to buy our daily bread and groceries. Running to the church when it started raining. Then memories of living here in the states- running home from 3rd street in flooded streets. Constantly wanting to do more things without parental supervision. Constantly resentful of being raised in a conservative Spanish Catholic culture when I was living in a very American country.  And if I'm completely honest- I was angry with my mom for many years- because she went to work and left me in school. And she's always been closer to my sister. Yeah, sure, parents don't have favorites. Tell that to someone who believes that! And the tooth fairy exists too by the way! You heard it here. My sister was my moms favorite chosen one, and I have been my dads. Until and unless said parent was mad at us, then that changed. It made for some sibling rivalry I think.

The kids will have clear memories of both hubby and I playing with them. I want them to have very good childhood memories. No one has photographic memories of their childhood. With time, things become distorted. Things we remembered as tall, big, and enormous are small and minimal when seen as adults. Is it possible hubby and I remember things to have been worse than they were? Doubtful in his case, I think hubby remembers things perfectly how they really were and he's made his peace with it. Me- I'm not sure. It wasn't awful-far from. It was nice and sweet. But it also wasn't perfect. It was confining to someone who wanted to experience and do more. So I found myself very stupidly and dangerous going behind my parents back and doing a lot of stupid teen stuff without them knowing. I had so many teen experiences without the guidance of a parent, because I knew they wouldn't approve and they wouldn't permit. Thankfully, I didn't land in too much trouble. But the potential was very much there. So, everything we don't want to do, everything we shouldn't do- we learned from our parents mistakes.

I know I'm making very general statements here about this. But I don't want to get into specific examples, as again, half this discussion I won't relate here. Its not my story and I respect hubby's privacy. I respect the boundaries of our relationship and clearly telling you about my partners childhood isn't something you should do without clear permission and well even with permission- its not my experience, not my memories to be airing. As much as I have no problem blasting family for their behaviors as it relates to my kids, I don't want to blast anyone for their behaviors towards my husband. Even though I might really want to.

I want to be supportive in a non judgemental and critical way. I want to push them to be better, push them to strive for more. But I don't want them to feel pressured to excel, like immigrant kids like me feel. I want them to feel like they can come to us and speak their minds, ask for our advice, know we'll always be there for them. I want them to know we'll be fair and we'll reach compromises. Sometimes we'll be adamant and say "No." No matter what, we'll always be there for them. I never ever want them to feel like they have to be the "emotional parent". I never ever want them to feel lonely, afraid, and tired of being an adult too soon. Ever. No child should ever feel that, and newsflash if your kid has ever felt that- baring any mental health issues- then you've sucked as a parent. No exceptions.

Something I believe passionately is that your job as a parent should be to support, encourage, discipline, love AND accept. Regardless of economic bracket, social status, culture, history- a child should have a childhood and it should be nurtured and protected. So that's what we plan to do with our kids. Sure we'll screw up, sure we'll make mistakes- but I want the kids to remember a happy family and definitely me playing with them. Because otherwise, I have no excuse for the messy house. Thanks for reading!