Finding Hope

I am struggling lately to find hope. Last Tuesday my son had a rotten day. He just lost it in a rage and fear miasma of a meltdown. The emotional explosive child lasted until about Sunday.  Nothing seemingly physical other than a cold.

I am scared of the unknown, of what’s around the corner, of what's next.  I’m scared it’s perhaps a mental health issue or an unnoticed seizure like we had last Christmas? Is it just simply that the honeymoon period is over for kindergarten? I have no certainties with autism. That is perhaps the scariest thing as a mom.

Yes I have consulted with our BSC, TSS, special education teacher, his regular teacher, the school psychologist, our own child psychologist, maybe even the magic 8 ball, the list is exhausting. Yes perhaps we need a new functional behavior assessment now that he’s used to the routine of school etc. Yes perhaps he needs an observation to see if the TSS is effective. Yes, I’m sure we could consider medication. But pardon me for wanting to exhaust all other options before I dope up my kid when he’s 6.  Yes maybe it's a gut issue. Yes, I’ll keep praying and hoping. Yes, Yes, Yes alright already!! When we reach a point where we can either cry or laugh, sometimes we laugh at the insanity, at what is our life, of the platitudes we are told.  

I know everyone means well and in some way it’s appreciated. Offering trite expressions meant to convey sympathy or comfort—you have to take a step back and consider our reality. The reality of daily life as the mother of a child with autism is that there is no certainty and we are so beat down by fighting for all of their legal rights and privileges, struggling to reach our child, and pushing them to progress and succeed despite their many challenges-- we are exhausted and almost stripped of hope and good will. Most days I think I suck so badly as a mother that I find myself crying in the shower. I cringe everyday at school pick up. I hold my breath each time I check my inbox praying I don’t have an email from school. I consider psychiatric medication for myself just to get him to school in a good mood and to get homework completed.

Haven’t you heard if you have a child with special needs be it autism or apraxia or pick your disability, it’s always somehow the mom’s fault. Guess what, I already blame myself. I am helpless to adequately help my child. It doesn’t get much worse than that.  I see my child hurting, hugging or praying isn’t making it any easier or better for him. Instead just ask us what we need, tell us you’ll pray for us, that you believe and have hope. Don’t you know most of us parents are struggling with our own miasma of emotions? Not a day goes by that I don’t cry. I wish I could make my son feel good about himself. I wish I could make his day easier for him. I wish I could take this challenge away from him. I wish I had answers. I wish I was a better mother.

 If anyone knows WTF is causing the protests, refusals, the yelling and screaming and escalated meltdown and tantrums while in class and at home when doing a writing lesson can you please let me know? If anyone knows WTF is going on and how to reach my kid, can ya raise your hand and let me know? But if you just want to tell me it’s my fault, and then don’t bother. Got that covered. If you tell me to continue to pray and that it'll get better, I might cry or laugh. Depends on the day. My response might be like Jack. Don't take it personal. Sometimes when we're tired of crying we laugh, because that's all we have left, so we just smile