What are we fighting about. . .again?

Hubby and I argue every weekend. Every weekend. Just little squabbles about nothing and everything. I'm overly sensitive and he's sensitivity deficient. Words we have used to describe each other in the heat of the moment. It's funny and yet its not. Yesterday we had a big squabble that started out of nowhere, took a pause when family came over, and continued when family left. Fighting with each other is exhausting- nothing gets solved, nothing is changed- we just go back to doing the same things and having the same stupid argument. After each and every fight I wonder- what the hell are we fighting about AGAIN? And how can I make it stop hurting so much? Are all couples like this?
Yesterday, hubby was comparing the BOGOs development and behavior at this age to that of JD's. He said it made him feel better to know that it is different. Honestly that it all he meant. All I heard was, "we should have caught it sooner, we should have seen it sooner." The we meaning me. I asked him if he'd forgotten that JD met all his milestones except speech until he was 2. He replied that he believed JD was born with autism. That is something I can't accept. Hearing those words spoken outloud from my husband, my autistic son's father- it's like someone stabbed me with a flaming knife. It hurt so much. And he had no clue why.  Because when he said JD was born autistic all I heard was, "it's your fault, his ASD is your fault."

I have so much guilt and pain over my little boy and I don't think it will ever go away. Each day I plan out my day and hope we get to at least 3 things and I put away the pain and try to move on. I really can't take much more- my kids need therapies, my own health isn't that great, I wish I could afford to work so we had less budget worries, I wish a lot of things. Mostly I wish my kids were healthy and normal. I sit up at night bartering with God. My unanswered prayer goes something like this: "Take away his autism, take away the developmental delays- make my achalasia worse if you have to. Make my babies healthy, please God." I pray it often, during the day, during the night- often. Sometimes there's just a plea. "Make my babies better. Heal my babies. Help me Lord, give me more patience and understanding. Help me hurt less."

Maybe I should start praying for less arguments. But I don't, because in a way our fighting is kind of our way of grieving and dealing. Ok Maybe not the healthiest. It is also a sign that we need to talk more, understand more, love more. It's not that we don't love each other- the love is always there. It's just hard to remember that we actually get along most weekends. I say weekends because during the week we rarely have time to talk much less argue.

Are either of us perfect? No, we're very imperfect and like most couples I always mutter this to myself, "Lord I hate ____ about him/her. Give me patience and help him/her fix it." I think the Lord must laugh at my constant prayers or mutterings. The prayers of a half deranged and always hurting Twingle mami. I'm trying not to blame myself. But I know that the pain will never go away. As long as my kids are sick or need therapies- I'll always hurt. That pain is so strong and so overwhelming that it can never just fade into dullness. And I don't know what caused his autism and in the end it doesn't really matter. All I know is that I have to do my best and hope they know they are love by their clearly nutty parents.