Parenting

The hardest part of parenting is not knowing if you're doing it right. Or how badly you're screwing it up.  If only I could look into the future and see how it would all turn out. The unknown is scary as a parent. My daily prayer is "Please God don't let me F- this up too much."

It hurts to see your kiddo struggle. It hurts to see him unable to control his body and bring it back under control. Nothing has hurt me worse than when my little 5 year old boy described how much he felt his body was "broken" because he couldn't stop himself from making bad choices (misbehave) or his impulsive behaviors.

I don't want to romanticize my emotions but really it floored me and it hurt so much because its partly my fault. Yes, its my fault that at times I suck at being a mom. Times when I can't control my own impulsive behavior and when I should remove myself for a time out-- those times when I'm so frustrated that I end up screaming and throwing my own temper tantrum.

We ended up discussing "No David!" by David Shannon. He loves that book and really it's a great way to discuss how we're really just loving them even when it seems that all we do is yell at them. We cuddled and group hugged and he went on his day. But it has remained on my mind. A day latter and I'm still shook up about how he's feeling about himself. I wonder should I take him to the psychologist to discuss or if I should work on ways to build his self esteem. So many ways to doubt yourself as a parent and the worry can drive you nuts.

This parenting shit ain't for the light hearted or those who only think they want to be parents. And I'd like to think that those of us who second guess or who worry are the ones who are striving to be better parents and better people. But maybe that's just how I fool myself into thinking that I'm doing okay.