Everything is gonna be alright. . .

According to Google there are either 5, 7, 10, 15 steps to Grieving. Of course then I did a search for Grief and Autism and stumbled on a new blogger. The Spectrum Mom has an interesting post- http://ssjatreptow.wordpress.com/2011/06/15/stages-of-grief-after-autism-diagnosis/

When you google Autism, you find so many blogs, parents just like me writing their pain and frustrations. Denial, Isolation, Anger, Bargaining, Grief, Acceptance-- all the stages of grief.
Why am I going through these stages?  Apple is not on the spectrum but she does have motor planning issues which are causing speech and motor delays. We're going back to Neuro in February for some guidance. In the meantime, according to Bob Marley & my husband, Everything is Gonna be alright! And right now I need encouragement because I can feel myself sinking into a pity party moment. Why can't my kids have it just a bit easier? So here are the stages I'm going through:

Do I still grieve? I will always grieve. On a daily basis, at least once, I think how much I hate Autism, how much I hatethat my son has to overccome so many difficulties. I would take it all away in a second. I would. As well as JD is doing, as well as things are going with his many therapies and everything ASD, I would cure it if I could. I wish things were easier for my son. What parent wouldn't want to take away a hardship from their kids?   For me, I will forever grieve the hardships he's encountered and those yet to come. I will always grieve for how difficult things come for my baby girl too. She may not have Autism, but she does have delays and we may not have a specific reason for the delays, but she's still not a typical developing baby girl. And of course I will grieve for that. I hate that two of my children will have extra challenges and who knows how many crying moments because of their medical conditions.

Isolated? Not so much. We've made some ASD friends. I've made some very good ASD friends and JD has made some very good special needs friends at his school. I joined a mom club. So I don't feel we're as isolated. Although sometimes our schedules are so crazy that it feels like we're isolated. During a bad day it can feel like the loneliest planet. Particularly so, if you don't have a strong support system.

Bargaining? Yeah, still do that nightly. Something like, God heal my son, help him make progress, help me help him, cure him, God please make everything ok with Apple and make my Achalasia worse. They're just babies, please please help them.  Although, I don't bargain so much anymore because its rather pointless and selfish. We pray for our friends and his friends at night. I have to say my son is a good prayer. I love that he's building a relationship with God. We're not regular church goers but I hope to be once he's older.

Acceptance--that's a toughie for me and the meat of this post. This is where so many of us Autism parents defer on. Yes I accept he has autism. I live it each day, I don't need another diagnosis to accept reality. Our reality is that my son has Autism. He will always have it. There is no magical cure, there is no losing the diagnosis. So yes, I accept that. Do I like it? Will I ever love it? No, my acceptance doesn't stretch that far. Thus the grief. Thus the fear!  I will never be one of those parents who say we need to be positive and love and embrace Autism. I'm sorry if you find that offensive, but I just am unable to accept and buy that load of crap. Loving my child does not mean I have to accept that level of thought. I feel I can accept and love my son without saying that I love Autism.  (Gasp, nope, you'll never ever hear me say that!) My daughters delays?  Yeah she has them, we have so many therapies because of them. I'm not in denial. But I hate the delays and they scare me. I wouldn't ever say I love my having Achalasia- I hate it. So why should I say I love my kids challenges? But I can't change it. It just is and that's my version of acceptance with their challenges.

I've had Bob Marley singing in my head for days now. So I'll leave you with a pretty good song. All I need is that beach spot in Aruba & a nice cold drink.