The NEW new school year

So we start a daycare on Monday. JD will be in the PreK room with 4 and 5 year old typical peers. His aide will be with him. We’ll see how it goes and maybe this will turn into our long term solution.

Meanwhile our attorney is still handling the mess of the former religious pre school (AKA Limbo) --Catholic humor. and the intervention agency (AKA A##hats). --regular humor Once they heard I was attending the IEP with representation, suddenly it was postponed and I was strongly urged to attend without representation a handful of times. So here we are 2 weeks later and still no date. Yes, we’re working on it. It is hard to understand the retaliation games being played on a 5 year old. Yes, this is really the world we live in. Grown a## people acting like my 2 year twins in tantrums. The stress is annoying. Feeling like we can not control this and get this fixed is pissing me off. ALOT!

Yesterday when we visited the daycare, he cried once he understood that some of his old friends would not be there. Emotionally tough to try and get him to cope with all the school changes. I am sure he feels confused. My one singular hope through this mess of discrimination and unfairness is that he does not feel too much of it. 

We are starting over. I hope the ugliness is behind us. I just want him to be around other kids his age and I hope the remainder of this year goes well for him. My fear is that it will not go well and we will be “asked” to leave another place. I think if that happens I will keep him home with me and home school. It is not fair to him to keep subjecting him to other folks hatred and ignorance. 

Does it ever get easy? Being a parent means we make decisions, sometimes good and sometimes bad. I made a bad decision in sending him to the religious pre-k. I should never have tried it, I should never have believed that my parish would keep its promise. I am so sorry JD, I’m sorry I let you down buddy. Mommy is sorry.

Silver Linings

It’s been a rough week. My kiddo is dealing with such obvious targeted discrimination and he’s 5!! I am emotional: angry, sad, disappointed, furious, stressed.

I can’t post much about this as we’re exploring our options. Suffice to say I am so saddened that this is starting in Pre-K. For us, the only logical assumption, the only thing that makes any sense is that this is targeted discrimination. He had adjusted very well and we were seeing a lot of progress. Now I am forced to start the process all over again and desperately look for another place to put him.

Now they say we need to look at the positives during the bad times. If thing happen for a reason, maybe this is why this has happened to us:

• Nothing like a stressful hardship to occur for a married couple to reunite for a common cause, to realize that we are connected even when it feels like we are not on the same team.
• Maybe we’re done with all the nasty discrimination stuff after this (yeah allright, but a girl can dream!
• We’ll go to a better place—err let me re=phrase to a better pre-K. Sounded like someone had passed away for a second there. (oh c’mon it wasn’t that bad of a joke was it?)
• It was in some way meant to strengthen my faith. Whatever church I move on to might be a better fit for our family. We are certainly not welcome in our current one and it’ll be a cold day in hell before I step foot in that church again. 
• It could be worse!  (Well it could)

I got nothing else. . .if you have any positives out of this please share.  I could’ve done without this particular incident. I’m stuck telling a 5 year old that he has to go to a new school and no more seeing his friends. SUCKS big time.

Not More Food!!

It’s almost that time of year again for my seasonal depression where I go on my happy pills from now until oh March?  I think the holidays overwhelm me and I get depressed, anxious and what not. I don’t enjoy the holidays. I love Halloween, don’t have to deal with a meal, don't have to deal with much family, I get to watch the kids enjoy it. Win!!

I do not enjoy Thanksgiving or Christmas because they are BIG family events, sit down dinners, filled with get together’s revolving around what else MORE Eating! Do you have any IDEA how STRESSFUL it is to deal with the crazy family (c’mon they’re all crazy, everyone’s family is crazy, admit it) and then add watching to see if the kids are behaving too? Then I have to deal with the hubs anxiety before these things. Is it any wonder that I never actually EAT at these things. I’m either watching the kids, taking care of the kids, making sure they don’t aggrevate the hubs anxiety, or worrying about my F—ing Achalasia. Quite frankly I’d rather be home making playdoh or watching another episode of Caillou with the kids. I’d rather be reading my Kindle while the kids play in the yard, I’d rather be at Zumba sweating my butt off while the instructor is killing me with leg squats. I’d rather be anywhere but together as a family. I really would.

Achalasia—where Eating is never normal again. I’m going to put that on a tshirt! I’m tired of trying to explain to family that it’s not specific foods, its not consistencies, its not me being a picky eater, no the damn surgery didn’t cure me, No I’m not doing better. I’ve just learned to how to hide it really well and I know what to eat to keep weight on. I eat because I have to. But if I didn’t need to? I’d be the happiest of people except for those freaking spasms. I hate eating. I will always hate eating. It is a struggle to swallow food. It hurts to digest the food. Eating socially? Uggh, please, I’d rather go take a statistics exam. The dysphaghia, the pain, the discomfort, the sensation of choking, never knowing what’s going to set it off. Blah—no thanks. I try to enjoy this time of year, I truly do.

I’m usually in the middle of one of these get togethers that I realize, “Oh hell, I’ve become one of those moms where ALL I can talk about revolves around the KIDS or SPECIAL NEEDS. I have no clue what movies are playing, the latest fashion craze, what grown ups do? No clue. I can tell you about Obamacare as it relates to special needs or pre existing conditions. I can tell you what services you would qualify for in Philadelphia. Oh my God, I’ve become a terrible wife whose life revolves around her KIDS. Well shit, something else I should feel bad and guilty about. Sigh. Where’s the damn wine people?

Vanilla Ice cream please!

My 4 year old had his first ice cream social at his school tonight. It was a success!
I wasn’t sure I was going to purchase tickets for the event. I seriously thought and stressed over it! But there we were at his 1^st school function for better or worse. 

It was freaking LOUD! They had a DJ and I hadn’t prepped for that. I thought we’d have to come home before getting through the door. But he wanted to stay. My friends, I tell you I was very emotional.

I watched my kiddo playing tag with his bestie and another class mate. No aide. And I tried really hard not to be a helicopter mom. He ran around that gym like a nut with his best friend. Sam and Josh from #GMA have nothing on my kiddo’s bromance. These 2 hugged when they saw each other and my kiddo said: “Oh I missed you K.” A whole 4 hours since they’d last seen each other. LOL.

Things are GREAT! Tonight was the 1^st night where I honestly dared to start believing that things are going to be all right. And now that I’ve started I don’t want to stop believing, just like Journey. Incredibly lucky and grateful for each success. I’ll never forget seeing him spinning and racing around the gym playing with his best buds. Amazing.

How did I know he enjoyed himself? Well I asked of course! It went something like this: Me: “Did you have fun buddy?”

JD: “Yes, can we go to Acme now?” Yup, success!

Who's struggling with inclusion here?

I’m very proud of my boy. No matter how many goals we put before him, he always tries. Sometimes I hate autism. I hate the bleeping sensory challenges. My little boy doesn’t get to be just a kid all that often. In school he has to learn to cope and adapt. Other kids, non spectrum kids, they can transition fine 10-20 times during the school day. My boy—he’s struggling, he’s trying, he’s coping. He’s asking for squeezes, he’s asking for moments, he’s trying and he doesn’t understand why he can’t control his body. 

His teacher is unaware of all the success we’ve had, all the therapies, all the interventions, how far we’ve come to get us here. She is new to autism and my boy is her introduction to all that comes with it, she’s lost too. She doesn’t know how to help. 

I’m the mom, the driver, the therapist, the hugger, the one who has cried countless times in the shower after the kids have gone to bed. I’m the one who sat on the floor crying along with my boy as he was in full meltdown mode. I’m the one who second guesses everything, who wants to homeschool so he never ever feels different or bad, who never cries for me. I’m the one who is struggling right now too.

Oh F you autism and the horse you rode up in. My kiddo may be diagnosed with autism, but it doesn’t make up all of who he is. He’s a little boy and the hell if I’m going to let you take away his right to an inclusive education. 

And anyone, and yes dear Pre-K teacher this is for you, if anyone stands in his way to this education—you don’t know me. Because I may be struggling, but I know my rights, I know HIS rights, and damned if I’ll ever stop advocating for him. 

So feel free dear teacher to assign blame to my child for a scratch and bruise on another classmates arm. Feel free to send home an incident report blaming my child even WHEN YOU DIDN’T FLIPPING SEE MY KID DO IT. 

I will call and schedule an emergency IEP meeting and yes even haul the church priest in there with us if I have to (Catholic school). Nice to meet you too sweetie. BTW I spoke to the school principal today and you should be prepared to have a meeting with her about this. See you tomorrow. I guess you know me now huh? My boy is more than the convenient person to blame. He is a 4 year old boy who wants to learn and play and I'm the mom that's going to make it happen.