Mommy Guilt

I am a mommy who is losing her mind.  My girls started preschool and I am home alone most of the day. The silence of these walls resonates in my heart.  As I fold Princess blankets and pick up hot wheels and Lego bits and pieces, I long for a tiny hug or silly giggle from my babies. I desperately miss them.  

It breaks my heart to leave them crying in school. I harden my heart and walk away not looking back. I feel like a failure when I drop my son off. Most mornings it is an honest to goodness wrestling fight to get my boy dressed and out the door. He hates school. He marches through those school doors with drooping shoulders, self affirming why he hates school so much under his breath.  

Oh but babies if you could see me crying in the car. If you only saw how I took a fortifying deep breath and hold tears in after my son solemnly walks in. It’s silly I know and yet this is a phase we all go through.  But I wonder, is it worth it? Am I selfish for pursuing a career? Will they hate me when they’re older. And the question that I always have as Plan B—“why not homeschool ?” whispers repeatedly in my head.

Mom guilt is a terrible thing and yet I wouldn't change a thing. Becoming a mother, this journey, its the best crazy thing that has ever happened to me. I am blessed to be their mother. They are teaching me to love more, to be more, to grow. That is the awesome thing about children and becoming a mother. They change your life completely. And yes I'm kinda crying now.