Positive Parenting #fail

I’ve had a rough couple of weeks. I have been feeling – a plethora of emotions. I need a break! I might be hitting a new low. It is my turn to cry and my husband’s turn to reassure me. We like to take turns because if we’re both at a low ebb—we’re in trouble. I wonder if I need to go on some medication or if this is seasonal depression.  I am overwhelmed.

JD’s behavior remains inconsistent. I struggle with differentiating sensory reactions from misbehaviors and so I am inconsistent with correcting the misconduct. I know what to do with most of the sensory reactions and I have a lot of guidance from his support staff and therapists. I struggle with how to correct his misconduct.  Am I expecting too much from a four year old? I am scared of turning into the mom that makes too many allowances for her child because of the child’s disability and end up with a spoiled child who thinks he can get his way.

Sometimes I hate the parent I am turning out to be. I hate when I yell, I hate when I lose my cool. Why can’t I have more patience? This is not who I thought I would be. How do I change it? I wish I could devote more time to all of them fairly. I run around turning off fires, reacting to outbursts instead of being a more involved parent. Do I expect too much of myself? How do I CLONE myself?

I bought some positive parenting books for suggestions. I have tried them and the results are inconsistent. They look like meltdowns but they’re really tantrums. Trust me, they are. You would have to know my kid to know he’s smart, he’s wily, and he knows what buttons to push. How do I know? There is a specific cause for the reaction and it is not sensory. Or maybe it becomes sensory. Who knows?! I feel like screaming and I feel like I am failing my kids.