Great Expectations

Everyone was talking and asking questions but no one was mentioning the White Elephant in the room. Those 2 hours were excruciating. I was cheering my son on, hoping he'd talk, make eye contact, instead he blindly went on inspecting toys, tossing them aside when he was done looking them over. We left that evaluation and walked to the elevator with JD skipping along with us, pleased as could be. I was struggling to control the tears determined not to lose my control in front of my son. There had been a funeral in that room. The death of the expectations, of the future I envisioned for my first born. Now we had a name for his speech delay, awkward movements, and all the other symptoms that we'd failed to pick up on. The diagnosis floored us. When asked if I was alright, I could only shake my head and hold my tears in with the taste of fear and despair in my throat.

Me and Josh at 1 month old

We are told to let go of our expectations with an Autism diagnosis. We are advised to accept the new reality. For a while, that's what I tried to do. Or at least that's what I said I was doing. In reality- I was just looking for new expectations, slightly less ambitious than the baseball player/ballet dancer/doctor/engineer that I envisioned married to a lovely girl and lovely children. But then I got mad! Why should we let these expectations go so early on? Why let them go now? Isn't it enough I'm worried about what the future will hold, do I need to let these dreams go too?

I got mad at Autism. At God. At anyone who didn't understand exactly what we were going through. At anyone who questioned any therapies or parenting techniques we tried. Didn't they understand that JD had autism and he needed consistency, structure, and calling his name repeatedly would not work if you didn't get his attention at his eye level first? Didn't they understand the rampant fear I live with? JD has ASD, the odds are stacked against my girls- preemies, older sibling with ASD. Of course I'm going out of my mind, sick with worry for what lies ahead for all 3 of my children.

You know what Autism?  You might take away good balance, agility, attention span, speech, health- but you will NOT take away our expectations. Let them die a slow death with lack of progress in the years that come, let life experiences beat my desperate expectations down. But I can NOT, I can NOT live in a world where I have no expectations for my son. It defies the laws of parenting. How can I be a good parent unless we have some goals to strive for?  Give up our great expectations would be like asking me to stop believing in my son, in my God, in my everything. I can't function or live in a life that doesn't have something to strive for.

For now I am hopeful that he can eventually integrate to a school with minimal aide, that he can graduate high school, get a job, meet a girl, take care of a dog. I just want him to be happy- to have joy. I want him to be treated with dignity and to be accepted because he's such a sweet, loving, and funny little boy who has amazing blue smiling eyes and a lot to say now that his speech is coming along. I may never see him ride a bike or watch him play catch, he may struggle to make friends at the playground, but I'm not giving up on expectations. Yes JD has ASD, ADHD, but why does that mean I can't have great expectations for his future?