Anniversaries

This weekend I will be celebrating two years of my liberation of being gainfully employed. Holy crap, I made it two years of being a stay at home mom? Wow that deserves at least 1 drink! It is the hardest most rewarding job I have ever had- and I have had a lot. Dear Lord it's exhausting, the pay is crappy, the hours are long, and you're always convinced you're a crappy worker. Every now and then hubby and I have the same conversation about me returning to gainful employment. I am still conflicted about being a SAHM (stay at home mom for the acronym challenged). I always will be.

In May 2010 when JD was about eighteen months old, I became a SAHM. We were talking about Baby #2, we were crunching daycare numbers and a huge chunk of my pay would go to daycare. My work life had become very stressful by the addition someone I'd like to call Cruella Micromanager DeVille. I was physically manifesting my anxiety with non cardiac chest pain (Achalasia gets worse with stress or anxiety). I was in hell while pretending I wasn't missing him; I was confronted with the truth each time I pumped milk. My priorities had changed, I was a mom 1st. The reality is that I returned to work with leaky boobs, teary eyes, and in love like never before with my baby. Hell No I didn't want to leave my boy and go back to work. I definitely did not want to leave 2 babies!



It really makes you wonder why the American culture expects a new mom to go back to work after twelve weeks of unpaid leave and pretend that your life hasn't changed. Who made those rules? Someone who has never given birth. We're still an emotional sleep deprived mess at 12 weeks- heck we're that even when the baby has turned 1. And yet corporate America expects us to go blindly back to work and pretend we're still the same career driven non woman. Yeah, doesn't happen! And then we're punished by being underpaid compared to our masculine counterparts. That just sucks no matter what way you look at it! We're screwed either way. Really, c'mon ladies admit it we are! Go back to work and miss your kid and feel guilt over everything or stay at home and feel guilty for not contributing monetarily. Oh you don't feel guilty or you feel you're contributing? I struggle with that. Maybe that's just me though. So that summer I said good bye to all that bullshit. Three weeks after getting my MBA, I got a new non paying job- being a stay at home mom to a beautifully energetic blue eyed moppet.

I've been working since I was 15 with one goal- make something of myself. As an immigrant kid you know that's you're responsibility and goal. I've always had work + something else going on. I'm very independent and I miss making my own money. I know hubby works and it's our money- he tells me all the time. But to me- it's not the same. It's not my money. I don't know how to change my feelings on this. Instead, I celebrate the anniversaries. Because it is hard for me to give up working and I am very much aware of having sacrificed my career.

I'm living a different life than I planned. Snort. Very different. Snicker. Thank you dear husband for being okay with taking a deep pay cut to our household income and for holding my hand in this journey we call Twingle mami (and daddy) in AutismLand. Happy 9th anniversary love. Our little marriage has grown into a family that pays me in hugs, kisses, smiles, laughs, and plenty of my own silent tears. I get paid each time my babies give me kisses, each time JD plays with my hair, each time the girls smile while I nurse them. On second thought- I do get paid. Very well. But the hours are still very long!