Can Grandparents spoil their Autistic grandkids?

My son is the first grandchild. My dad was 67 when JD was born, my parents have waited a long time for their grandchildren. My dad is JD's favorite buddy, they have a very special relationship. A moment of not seeing his "Tata" is a great source of anxiety in JDland. Both grandmothers love him as only grandmothers can. He can do no wrong of course! Sometimes JD hugs or acknowledges the grandmothers, mostly he doesn't. No amount of calling his name, attempting to attract his attention or offering a treat will entise him. He does have ASD after all. I imagine it is very hard to get no greeting, no look- so I do get the emotion driving the gradmothers behavior. But as a parent, it is often times hard not to say a pointed comment. And I know the diagnosis has been difficult and they are handling grief in their own way. A grandparents grief is doubled- for their own child and for their grandchild. They are also still learning how best to interact with JD. And sometimes their emotions to ease his way interfere with my desire to use a parenting technique or at home therapy plan. It's difficult and frustrating for everyone involved. How much more difficult must it be for JD who is stuck between the argument?

Meltdowns are tough to see and to deal with. The crying, the hitting, the kicking, the screaming, the self injurous behavior. And so of course the first reaction is to stop it, to help the grandchild because who wants their grandchild to be crying? Here's a little advice to the Grands- during a meltdown don't touch, don't talk, don't try to engage. BIG NO-NO! You will intensify the meltdown and perhaps cause a huge shut down resulting in blankness. During meltdowns I try and find the trigger. If I can't find it right away, I leave him alone until he's back with me and calmed. I know it's hard to grasp but hugging him or attempting to sooth- actually are painful for him. And dear Grands- yelling at me for not listening and not allowing you to be Grands really doesn't accomplish much but piss me the hell off and make the situation that much worse. But hey at least the folks are Target got to judge not just how bad a parent I am, but how bad a parent the Grands are too. Twofer! Rock on ASD!

But this latest meltdown- BTW we haven't had a huge meltdown-shut down in a long time and I venture to say today's occurred because 1) I hadn't prepped him to expect the Grands 2) He's not used to going shopping with Grands and Me after school 3) He was tired from school. Too much stimulation, in other words. ASD kids love structure and routine- you can't expect to surprise him and have no meltdown. You also can't expect the kid to settle down for naps or meals if you're here or have just left. It usually takes us the better of an hour to wind him down from visits. So yeah, while we're on the subject Grands- we get kinda grumpy when visits occur spur of the moment and not planned. Because we know it'll mean a grumpy kid too. And if it's bedtime or naptime- not a good time to visit. We like structure and routine. It makes JDland less anxious and comforting.

It got me to thinking- Does ASD inhibit a Grandparents ability to be a typical Grandparent? Two seconds of reflection and I thought- well sure it does, it has too. You can still spoil your grandhcild to your hearts content, as long as you remember that you're not dealing with a NT kid, you're dealing with JDland. ASD is a whole another beast. You have to build a relationship based on what the tot's needs are, not what you expect. And you have to be mature enough to not expect the world to revolve around the grandparents needs. Haven't you heard, in our house the kids needs take priority? And isn't that what spoiling a grandchild is all about?

For all the Grands of ASDland kids- here's a good definition of a meltdown. No it is not just a tantrum. Tantrums are easy compared to a meltdown. If you handle it wrong, it'll make it worse for the tot.
Today my parents got the joy of experiencing one in the middle of Target.

http://www.autism-causes.com/

Here's some good Grandparents and ASD links I found this afternoon in my efforts to educate the Grands on how to deal with an ASD grandchild-

http://www.healthtalkonline.org/autism

http://www.autismspeaks.org/

http://www.takechargeofautism.com/ResourcesLinks.html




JD with his best buddy, Spring 2011